A cave, a tunnel, a closet.....whatever that quiet place is that feels like it has you trapped and worn out. Looking everywhere for a light and it feels daunting and hard and so very real and raw and vulnerable. Someday's this world of pregnancy, breastfeeding, toddlers, changing diapers, waking in the night, begging for naps, revolving life around naps, cleaning snotty noses, messes on the floors, drawings on the walls, endless amounts of food, baths, rocking littles, temper tantrums (both me and child), Sesame Street, the wheels on the bus, strollers, massive grocery carts, relying on coffee and oh so much more WILL. NEVER. EVER. END. I just find myself most days looking for light, that light that draws from under a door in the early hours of the morning.
This morning I sit with my oatmeal and coffee and my 2 and 3 year old are playing and my 2 month old sleeps soundly in the swing. For two months I have have fed and held an infant while doing laundry, cooking dinner, changing diapers and much more. I adore this precious girl more than anything but oh man does my patience get tested when all I want do to is pee and that means a screaming baby or waking a baby which means screaming baby. She is entering into not needing food every hour or needing to be held by only me every second. I feel like I am seeing the slightest ray of light. 5 babies in 10 years and 4 in the last five year. These have been the most beautiful and hardest life changing years of my life. These precious babies have transformed me, humbled me and taught me way beyond what I could have ever imagined. Gosh though, someday's I don't even remember who I am anymore. I am sleep deprived and in pajamas most days. I feel as thought I have lived in the twilight zone when I go out into the real world. "Oh that's the style now?" I had no clue that you could get an iPhone with companies other that AT&T. What the heck is a twitter account? I actually told James at an event run by college students, "Oh that's great they are letting these young kids help out! But the music is kind of loud!" Seriously? I said that? Who was I before kids and where has that woman gone. I have lived in a child bearing/feeding cave.
I was thinking back on 10 years ago as I was 5 months pregnant with my first child. I was full of anticipation and wonder and excitement. I was unaware of the years to come and had this view of playing barbies and tea parties and and baking with my girls. The life of parenthood would be this world of bliss. Really with my first, she was very easy. She slept, we went on long walks, we baked cakes and took naps together. It was just us for the first 4.5 years of her life. It really was a blissful entrance into parenthood. It was hard but only a glimpse of what was to come in all aspects.
5.5 years ago, I birthed my first son and HE. WAS. HARD!!!! He cried a lot, James and I fought a lot, Catherine got ignored a lot, I screamed a lot, I cried a lot. This was the hardest year of parenting and marriage for me. Well 17 months later came baby 3 and 20 months later came baby 4 and 2 years later came baby 5. Now that was a whirlwind. My body will never be the same, I'm not quite sure I know what sleep really is and I really never knew what hard or humbling meant till now. Its hard, all of the time. My now 9.5 year old needs me on a whole new level emotionally, my 5 year old only boy needs a rough and tough partner, my middle girls need a mom to play and dress up with them and the baby needs to be fed ALL. THE. TIME. Oh and I have a husband who I adore and long to spend hours drinking coffee with. We do forgo sleep in the morning to wake up an hour early to do just that, connect and have coffee. Its a good thing I love him so much, because I really need him to do this day in a day out.
We are 99.9% sure this is our last baby, we feel as though our family feels complete and so I find myself full of mixed emotions. Most days I am looking for the light and then there are days that I cry and grieve that I just might never hold a brand new 1 minute old baby in my arms ever again. That I will miss the way they look at me when they need me and know I am the only person that can give that to them. I will miss when they snuggle in my arms when they cant fall asleep, because they need me. I will miss reading books and quiet days at home. I will miss baking cakes together and the excitment on their faces when they show their daddy what they made. I will miss my 9 year old needing to have private conversations with mom and those sacred times she shows me her journal and shares her heart with me. I will miss building legos and wrestling with my boy. I will miss the way their bodies melt when they finally relax and trust me and fall into that sweet deep sleep. I will miss the early morning hugs for just mom. I will miss itty bitty laundry. I will miss finger painting and coloring. I will miss barbies and dress up clothes. I will miss really long walks with strollers and baby backpacks and the conversations had. I will miss the way my kids talked to people at grocery stores and sang Jesus Loves Me really loud. I will miss the early mornings or late nights with just one in my arms. I will miss being needed. I am needed, I am loved and I am wanted.
I realized today, I don't need to look for a light, I am not in a cave or a closet or tunnel. I am in the light. I am living every day in the light and I have been given this incredible journey. If I am always looking for the light then I am going to miss what is right in front of me. Smiles, hugs, cuddles, laughing, hand holding, needs to be met, trust to be built and life to enjoy. There are many challenges this life could throw at me, and I have had and will have many more. But when I look at my kids, what a heck of journey. Each day I laugh and learn and each day I am stretched beyond imagination to depend on my Jesus even more than the day before.
I live in the light because Jesus is the light and He gives me light everyday. Its the hardest journey I have ever faced. I don't want to always look at what is ahead because then what is right in front of me becomes dark and blurry. Today, right now. I have a baby who needs me and smiles at the sound of my voice. What more could I ask for?
Tuesday, November 18, 2014
Saturday, July 26, 2014
letting go....
I sit here on a very hot Phoenix evening with the two littlest in bed, the two oldest laughing as they color and watch a movie together and the baby in my tummy kicking up in my ribcage. Its been an interesting summer and really an interesting year. One that has released dreaming, hope and contentment in my heart.
You see, I love motherhood, I have never loved anything more. In my 20's when most of my friends were gaining careers and masters degrees, I gained the career of motherhood. I call it my bachelors of motherhood. Although, I have much to learn, and so much to grow, there has been nothing in life that has transformed me more than the humility, trust and life of faith that motherhood brings.
This last year after my fourth little one turned one, I began to really dream of having a career. I was realizing that my kids would not be home forever and I would not always be needed in this specific ongoing way. As I dreamed, I realized I had not yet really discovered myself or who I was, what I liked or what I wanted to do. I have been studying Psychology for the past 5 years on and off as babies have come. I found a job, I bought new clothes, heck, I even got a smart phone. Thats a big deal. 5 months into working, we found out a BIG surprise, baby number 5 was on the way! What?! I was just starting to dream, I had spent time grieving the baby stage, I had spoiled my "last" child rotten. I had prepared to begin a new stage of life. As sickness over took me, as motherhood and working overwhelmed me, as pregnancy began to take a toll on my body, I went into a cave. I was done with work, I was tired, I was sick, I was lonely, I was scared, I was angry, I was fearful, I was NOT in anyway ready to face the 40 weeks of pregnancy again. I could have 10 kids if I just did NOT have to be pregnant. Its so hard. My body doesnt handle it well, my family bears the brunt and its. just. plain. hard! My husband is a trooper and has loves me so well.
In the silence, in the isolation, in the quiet...Jesus was and is so faithful. My whole life I have spent dependent on the affirmation and want from other people. I have lived to please others in order to fulfill my need to be wanted. I truly believe Jesus brought me to this season for a good reason. To woo my heart, to call my heart, to beg for my heart for himself. He gently called me towards his loving kindness, his mercy, his faithfulness and HIS affirmation of me. He began to teach me through scripture and journaling that He is and has to be the one that affirms my heart. He has to be the one I fully trust before I can fully trust other people. When I rest in His love, in His arms, in His faithfulness, I can begin to rest in the love of others instead of depending on them to fulfill in me what only my God can fulfill in me. He met me in my darkest days, in my broken and shameful moments. He met me and filled in my what no earthly person can fill in me. His grace became sufficient for me, I began to look to Him to supply my needs, He became my joy, His calling of me and the desires of my heart began to align as I began to look to him. I sat living in tunnel vision for SO many years and He took my blinders off, He reminded me of and gave me worth. His word became real and true and for me specifically. I soak it up and it has become sweeter and richer than ever before. The word has become a place that I can jump into His love for me and let it was over the shame that fills me so often. Its a process of learning, I still can justify sitting in my depravity and shame. But my Jesus is becoming more real and alive than ever before and I don't want to let this feeling ever go away.
Here I am 6 weeks from expecting baby number 5. SO. STINKIN. EXCITED! God is trusting ME with another life. I get to be a mom again. What a calling. I get to rest in this calling, I get to find contentment in this season right now. This beautiful season where my kids are becoming friends, they are learning how to love and share and embrace this big family. He, my Jesus is calling me to contentment, to rest, to stop, to play, to trust, to engage, to embrace and to love. This season, right now is what I want to embrace with a full heart and trust HIS heart with my dreams, fears and inhibitions. He knows them all and He adores me. 2014 has so far been a life changing year and will continue to be.....
You see, I love motherhood, I have never loved anything more. In my 20's when most of my friends were gaining careers and masters degrees, I gained the career of motherhood. I call it my bachelors of motherhood. Although, I have much to learn, and so much to grow, there has been nothing in life that has transformed me more than the humility, trust and life of faith that motherhood brings.
This last year after my fourth little one turned one, I began to really dream of having a career. I was realizing that my kids would not be home forever and I would not always be needed in this specific ongoing way. As I dreamed, I realized I had not yet really discovered myself or who I was, what I liked or what I wanted to do. I have been studying Psychology for the past 5 years on and off as babies have come. I found a job, I bought new clothes, heck, I even got a smart phone. Thats a big deal. 5 months into working, we found out a BIG surprise, baby number 5 was on the way! What?! I was just starting to dream, I had spent time grieving the baby stage, I had spoiled my "last" child rotten. I had prepared to begin a new stage of life. As sickness over took me, as motherhood and working overwhelmed me, as pregnancy began to take a toll on my body, I went into a cave. I was done with work, I was tired, I was sick, I was lonely, I was scared, I was angry, I was fearful, I was NOT in anyway ready to face the 40 weeks of pregnancy again. I could have 10 kids if I just did NOT have to be pregnant. Its so hard. My body doesnt handle it well, my family bears the brunt and its. just. plain. hard! My husband is a trooper and has loves me so well.
In the silence, in the isolation, in the quiet...Jesus was and is so faithful. My whole life I have spent dependent on the affirmation and want from other people. I have lived to please others in order to fulfill my need to be wanted. I truly believe Jesus brought me to this season for a good reason. To woo my heart, to call my heart, to beg for my heart for himself. He gently called me towards his loving kindness, his mercy, his faithfulness and HIS affirmation of me. He began to teach me through scripture and journaling that He is and has to be the one that affirms my heart. He has to be the one I fully trust before I can fully trust other people. When I rest in His love, in His arms, in His faithfulness, I can begin to rest in the love of others instead of depending on them to fulfill in me what only my God can fulfill in me. He met me in my darkest days, in my broken and shameful moments. He met me and filled in my what no earthly person can fill in me. His grace became sufficient for me, I began to look to Him to supply my needs, He became my joy, His calling of me and the desires of my heart began to align as I began to look to him. I sat living in tunnel vision for SO many years and He took my blinders off, He reminded me of and gave me worth. His word became real and true and for me specifically. I soak it up and it has become sweeter and richer than ever before. The word has become a place that I can jump into His love for me and let it was over the shame that fills me so often. Its a process of learning, I still can justify sitting in my depravity and shame. But my Jesus is becoming more real and alive than ever before and I don't want to let this feeling ever go away.
Here I am 6 weeks from expecting baby number 5. SO. STINKIN. EXCITED! God is trusting ME with another life. I get to be a mom again. What a calling. I get to rest in this calling, I get to find contentment in this season right now. This beautiful season where my kids are becoming friends, they are learning how to love and share and embrace this big family. He, my Jesus is calling me to contentment, to rest, to stop, to play, to trust, to engage, to embrace and to love. This season, right now is what I want to embrace with a full heart and trust HIS heart with my dreams, fears and inhibitions. He knows them all and He adores me. 2014 has so far been a life changing year and will continue to be.....
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
4 birth stories all in one
2 Corinthians 12:9 "For MY strength is made perfect in weakness."
I do believe that each birth has been a time of growing, healing and trust for me. I have gone round and round with my first two births and I have beat myself up for my fear and naivete. As I have grown and learned and overcome fear, I am able to process my each of my births and see just what I learned through each of them.
My daughter Catherine came in March of 2005 to this mom of just 22 years. I knew I wanted to be a mom and I had dreams of birth being calm and sweet and perfect. Well it was anything but perfect. At 12am I woke to my water breaking. About 2am we went to the hospital, I was dilated to a 3 and by 6am they had me on pitocin trying to "hurry me up." I had wanted a natural birth, after 6+ hours on pitocin and only reaching a 4 and the nurse referring to a screaming girl as the one who didn't get an epidural, I gave in. At this point I am receiving pitocin, epidural and penicillin for group B strep. I had not had anything to eat since the previous night and my body was fading. I was so tired. About 3 hours after the epidural my daughters heart rate began to drop. They monitored for about 15 minutes and then in a mad rush about 4 nurses and 2 docs came into my room and unplugged everything and rushed me to the OR. Nobody told me or my husband anything. I was in the OR now knowing I was getting a Csection and was totally numb. This feeling scared me to no end. I began vomiting and the anesthesiologist just started giggling saying that it was all totally normal. I was screaming for James and finally they let him in. He was in tears, I was in tears and my doctor comes in and says, "Why didn't anyone check her? She is dilated to a 10 and she could have delivered by now!" Thankfully when they transferred me to the operating table my daughters heart rate went back up and THANKFULLY I had a doctor who chose to not do the Csection. She knew my desires and she knew I was a young mom who wanted more children and she took care of me. So here I am with 6 different drugs running through my body, I have uncontrollable shakes and I am vomiting and can only lay on my left side. Not what I had thought birth would be like at all. Now because I was drugged up and totally numb and 10 centimeters I could not push because I could not feel a thing. I finally fell asleep for about 3 hours. I woke up in pain and feeling the need to push. My nurse told me the baby was high and that it would be a while so not to push. HA! Sure, OK, I will just not push, thanks for the insight nurse. My daughters heart rate began to drop again and so they then decided to pay attention to me. My doctor came in and she told me to push and as I pushed the heart rate went down further, I had a team of students watching me give birth, the neonatal team watching me give birth, my doctor telling me to just push, oxygen on my face and then they pull out the forceps. At this point I just didn't care anymore. My idea of what birth was supposed to be had gone out the window. I just wanted my baby. After 15 minutes and the oh so painful forceps my daughter entered this world. Wow! Within seconds of hearing her cry I knew, I would do every bit of my day all over again if it meant I got her, if it meant I got to hear that cry. She was here, I was in pain, but she was here! My girl, my sweet precious girl. An apgar score of 9 and perfectly healthy. She would only sleep on my chest for the first month of her life.
4 years and 4 months later I find myself in the same hospital and being induced yet again.....well it all went about the same way except my doc was there before they sent me to emergency Csection and he delivered me quick. Basically in fear he told me that if I do not push my son out I will get a Csection. So I push incredibly hard and out came my perfectly healthy 8lb 3oz son! He had a HUGE head! He still does. Thankfully once again my doctor was there to catch the baby before an unnecessary section.
After the trauma of my first two births and the unexpected turn of events in each of them I lived in fear of having more children. I was someone who has always wanted a bunch of kids and to be a mom. This was hard. I found birth something to be afraid of. Little did I know what was to come.
Just a short 9 months after my son was born I found myself pregnant with my third child. I was in shock after it took us so long to conceive our son. I knew from the beginning that I wanted something different, I could not do the same thing all over again. This is when I chose to go with a local midwifery team and I fell in love with them from my first appointment. I was there for over an hour asking questions and sharing my fears. I left feeling strong and capable. That summer I went to family camp with our church and this is where I met my doula and now one of my closest friends. She processed birth with me and she walked the journey of pregnancy and birth with me as she was also pregnant and due just a month after me. The time got closer and I was confident in what I could do, fearful, yet confident. At 35 weeks I was having a lot of swelling and was in a good bit of pain. At 36.5 weeks I was in the emergency room for 2 days getting ultrasounds on my swelling legs to make sure there was no clots. They just wanted me on bed rest. I went to the doctor/midwife at the end of my 37th week and they checked my progress and I was dilated to a 4 and 80%. They had said they would be shocked if I went past the weekend.
That afternoon I came home and prayed labor on my body, I was in pain from my swelling and with two kiddos already who needed me and a husband who was about to go crazy, I needed to have this baby. Thankfully about 6pm I started noticing contractions about every 8 minutes. I wasn't sure if it was real labor so I just went about looking through baby clothes and getting my kids to bed. When the kids went to bed I asked my husband to grab dinner since it was already 730 and I didn't want to cook. While he was out my contractions started to pick up in timing but not in pain. My doula called me and she said to take a bath to see if they continued and that she was on her way. When she got there I was in the bath and James was feeding me dinner. I was still having contractions and so stinkin excited that this was it!!!! We labored at the house for a while and about 1030 we left for the hospital. The nurse laughed at me as I was chatting with her and she said, "we will see if you are really in labor!" Sure enough I was at 7 centimeters. Still no pain just consistent tightening. I got in the tub and labored for a while, after a couple hours they checked and I was still a 7 with bulging bag of waters. My midwife broke my water with my consent and this is when the pain kicked in. I went on a walk with my husband and I began really feeling the pain. After a bit of walking I got back in the bath and bed, I don't really remember. I do remember them checking me at a 9 and withing 19 minutes of that I was hold my girl. I don't recall the "ring of fire" pain. It was painful but not as painful as I expected. My sweet girl was handed strait to me and it was a good 5 minutes before we even checked the gender. People were very respectful of us and let us connect. It was sweet, it was quick it was WAY less painful than imagined and it was healing for me and my husband. Her birth was beautiful. She was 7lbs and 2oz.
Well about 6 days after her first birthday we found out we were expecting once again! This time I was THRILLED. I couldn't wait to birth again. This pregnancy was hard but I think it was hard more because I had 3 little ones that I really never got much of a break to rest. Physically I was in way better shape than ever before. My kids got so used to my morning sickness that they would run to the toilet and pretend to vomit! I know, wonderful, right?! SO GROSS! It was all in all a pretty uneventful pregnancy. I really never had any swelling or pain other than the normal, "I'm so done being pregnant" stuff. At about 37 weeks I started having contractions very consistently and daily. I was exhausted because I never really got enough sleep. I walked and walked and yes I took caster oil and with the help of my doula, we brought on labor. At 37.5 weeks I was pretty sure this was it. I had my bloody show and I was consistently contracting. My kids played with their cousins for a bit and then the babysitter came over. When she got there, I didn't want to lose momentum so we headed to the hospital. My amazing midwife met me there. I was only dilated to a 4 but I was OK with that. We walked the halls for probably a good 2 hours. I then got in the tub and labored there for a while. No real pain, just tightening again. The pain started and I prefer the bed so I got in the bed. I labored there for a while and was in a good bit of pain. After a couple hours my midwife checked me and I was only at a 5. So devastating. It was hard to hear. So I got up and my body seemed to just take about a 15 minute break. I had friends who prayed for me, I at a sandwich and drank some cranberry juice and was able to recoup. At this point my doula and I were both ready for it to get started again. So we did a few things to get things going again. I asked to go on a walk with just my husband and we did. This is when I noticed things really picking up. I couldn't get more than 20 steps without a contraction hitting. After just hearing I was a 5 only 30 minutes prior I didn't want to get hopes up. I went to get in the tub and was sitting with my doula when I told her, I really think something is happening, this was a different pain than before. So I got out of the tub and basically told my midwife, if I am still a 5 then I am getting an epidural, I cant do this any longer. She checked me and said, "Well sweetheart can you wait just a little longer cause your an 8!" TRANSITION! I knew something more was happening. About 15 minutes later I was at a 10 and pushing. I do remember the ring of fire with her because her head was crowning in the middle of contractions. But after 3 good contractions, my husband helped catch her and she was in my arms. Again we didn't know the gender so we looked and were thrilled to have another girl. She was just a 5lb 14oz peanut. Her labor was hard and so challenging but so beautiful in so many ways.
Each of my births has been incredibly hard in their own ways. They have been frustrating, fearful and also powerful and healing. I do believe now as I reflect on my first two births that they were well intention-ed by the creator of the universe. If I did not experience those, I do not know if I would know the healing that came from my last two births. They needed to happen in order for me to experience what I did. I do not claim to be superwoman because I birthed naturally but I do know for me it was healing in so many ways. I also have compassion for those who have fear from hard birth experiences. I look at each of my births as a time of growing and learning. I am thankful for the joy each of my children bring me everyday and I would do each of their births over again a million times knowing I get my precious kids.
I do believe that each birth has been a time of growing, healing and trust for me. I have gone round and round with my first two births and I have beat myself up for my fear and naivete. As I have grown and learned and overcome fear, I am able to process my each of my births and see just what I learned through each of them.
My daughter Catherine came in March of 2005 to this mom of just 22 years. I knew I wanted to be a mom and I had dreams of birth being calm and sweet and perfect. Well it was anything but perfect. At 12am I woke to my water breaking. About 2am we went to the hospital, I was dilated to a 3 and by 6am they had me on pitocin trying to "hurry me up." I had wanted a natural birth, after 6+ hours on pitocin and only reaching a 4 and the nurse referring to a screaming girl as the one who didn't get an epidural, I gave in. At this point I am receiving pitocin, epidural and penicillin for group B strep. I had not had anything to eat since the previous night and my body was fading. I was so tired. About 3 hours after the epidural my daughters heart rate began to drop. They monitored for about 15 minutes and then in a mad rush about 4 nurses and 2 docs came into my room and unplugged everything and rushed me to the OR. Nobody told me or my husband anything. I was in the OR now knowing I was getting a Csection and was totally numb. This feeling scared me to no end. I began vomiting and the anesthesiologist just started giggling saying that it was all totally normal. I was screaming for James and finally they let him in. He was in tears, I was in tears and my doctor comes in and says, "Why didn't anyone check her? She is dilated to a 10 and she could have delivered by now!" Thankfully when they transferred me to the operating table my daughters heart rate went back up and THANKFULLY I had a doctor who chose to not do the Csection. She knew my desires and she knew I was a young mom who wanted more children and she took care of me. So here I am with 6 different drugs running through my body, I have uncontrollable shakes and I am vomiting and can only lay on my left side. Not what I had thought birth would be like at all. Now because I was drugged up and totally numb and 10 centimeters I could not push because I could not feel a thing. I finally fell asleep for about 3 hours. I woke up in pain and feeling the need to push. My nurse told me the baby was high and that it would be a while so not to push. HA! Sure, OK, I will just not push, thanks for the insight nurse. My daughters heart rate began to drop again and so they then decided to pay attention to me. My doctor came in and she told me to push and as I pushed the heart rate went down further, I had a team of students watching me give birth, the neonatal team watching me give birth, my doctor telling me to just push, oxygen on my face and then they pull out the forceps. At this point I just didn't care anymore. My idea of what birth was supposed to be had gone out the window. I just wanted my baby. After 15 minutes and the oh so painful forceps my daughter entered this world. Wow! Within seconds of hearing her cry I knew, I would do every bit of my day all over again if it meant I got her, if it meant I got to hear that cry. She was here, I was in pain, but she was here! My girl, my sweet precious girl. An apgar score of 9 and perfectly healthy. She would only sleep on my chest for the first month of her life.
4 years and 4 months later I find myself in the same hospital and being induced yet again.....well it all went about the same way except my doc was there before they sent me to emergency Csection and he delivered me quick. Basically in fear he told me that if I do not push my son out I will get a Csection. So I push incredibly hard and out came my perfectly healthy 8lb 3oz son! He had a HUGE head! He still does. Thankfully once again my doctor was there to catch the baby before an unnecessary section.
After the trauma of my first two births and the unexpected turn of events in each of them I lived in fear of having more children. I was someone who has always wanted a bunch of kids and to be a mom. This was hard. I found birth something to be afraid of. Little did I know what was to come.
Just a short 9 months after my son was born I found myself pregnant with my third child. I was in shock after it took us so long to conceive our son. I knew from the beginning that I wanted something different, I could not do the same thing all over again. This is when I chose to go with a local midwifery team and I fell in love with them from my first appointment. I was there for over an hour asking questions and sharing my fears. I left feeling strong and capable. That summer I went to family camp with our church and this is where I met my doula and now one of my closest friends. She processed birth with me and she walked the journey of pregnancy and birth with me as she was also pregnant and due just a month after me. The time got closer and I was confident in what I could do, fearful, yet confident. At 35 weeks I was having a lot of swelling and was in a good bit of pain. At 36.5 weeks I was in the emergency room for 2 days getting ultrasounds on my swelling legs to make sure there was no clots. They just wanted me on bed rest. I went to the doctor/midwife at the end of my 37th week and they checked my progress and I was dilated to a 4 and 80%. They had said they would be shocked if I went past the weekend.
That afternoon I came home and prayed labor on my body, I was in pain from my swelling and with two kiddos already who needed me and a husband who was about to go crazy, I needed to have this baby. Thankfully about 6pm I started noticing contractions about every 8 minutes. I wasn't sure if it was real labor so I just went about looking through baby clothes and getting my kids to bed. When the kids went to bed I asked my husband to grab dinner since it was already 730 and I didn't want to cook. While he was out my contractions started to pick up in timing but not in pain. My doula called me and she said to take a bath to see if they continued and that she was on her way. When she got there I was in the bath and James was feeding me dinner. I was still having contractions and so stinkin excited that this was it!!!! We labored at the house for a while and about 1030 we left for the hospital. The nurse laughed at me as I was chatting with her and she said, "we will see if you are really in labor!" Sure enough I was at 7 centimeters. Still no pain just consistent tightening. I got in the tub and labored for a while, after a couple hours they checked and I was still a 7 with bulging bag of waters. My midwife broke my water with my consent and this is when the pain kicked in. I went on a walk with my husband and I began really feeling the pain. After a bit of walking I got back in the bath and bed, I don't really remember. I do remember them checking me at a 9 and withing 19 minutes of that I was hold my girl. I don't recall the "ring of fire" pain. It was painful but not as painful as I expected. My sweet girl was handed strait to me and it was a good 5 minutes before we even checked the gender. People were very respectful of us and let us connect. It was sweet, it was quick it was WAY less painful than imagined and it was healing for me and my husband. Her birth was beautiful. She was 7lbs and 2oz.
Well about 6 days after her first birthday we found out we were expecting once again! This time I was THRILLED. I couldn't wait to birth again. This pregnancy was hard but I think it was hard more because I had 3 little ones that I really never got much of a break to rest. Physically I was in way better shape than ever before. My kids got so used to my morning sickness that they would run to the toilet and pretend to vomit! I know, wonderful, right?! SO GROSS! It was all in all a pretty uneventful pregnancy. I really never had any swelling or pain other than the normal, "I'm so done being pregnant" stuff. At about 37 weeks I started having contractions very consistently and daily. I was exhausted because I never really got enough sleep. I walked and walked and yes I took caster oil and with the help of my doula, we brought on labor. At 37.5 weeks I was pretty sure this was it. I had my bloody show and I was consistently contracting. My kids played with their cousins for a bit and then the babysitter came over. When she got there, I didn't want to lose momentum so we headed to the hospital. My amazing midwife met me there. I was only dilated to a 4 but I was OK with that. We walked the halls for probably a good 2 hours. I then got in the tub and labored there for a while. No real pain, just tightening again. The pain started and I prefer the bed so I got in the bed. I labored there for a while and was in a good bit of pain. After a couple hours my midwife checked me and I was only at a 5. So devastating. It was hard to hear. So I got up and my body seemed to just take about a 15 minute break. I had friends who prayed for me, I at a sandwich and drank some cranberry juice and was able to recoup. At this point my doula and I were both ready for it to get started again. So we did a few things to get things going again. I asked to go on a walk with just my husband and we did. This is when I noticed things really picking up. I couldn't get more than 20 steps without a contraction hitting. After just hearing I was a 5 only 30 minutes prior I didn't want to get hopes up. I went to get in the tub and was sitting with my doula when I told her, I really think something is happening, this was a different pain than before. So I got out of the tub and basically told my midwife, if I am still a 5 then I am getting an epidural, I cant do this any longer. She checked me and said, "Well sweetheart can you wait just a little longer cause your an 8!" TRANSITION! I knew something more was happening. About 15 minutes later I was at a 10 and pushing. I do remember the ring of fire with her because her head was crowning in the middle of contractions. But after 3 good contractions, my husband helped catch her and she was in my arms. Again we didn't know the gender so we looked and were thrilled to have another girl. She was just a 5lb 14oz peanut. Her labor was hard and so challenging but so beautiful in so many ways.
Each of my births has been incredibly hard in their own ways. They have been frustrating, fearful and also powerful and healing. I do believe now as I reflect on my first two births that they were well intention-ed by the creator of the universe. If I did not experience those, I do not know if I would know the healing that came from my last two births. They needed to happen in order for me to experience what I did. I do not claim to be superwoman because I birthed naturally but I do know for me it was healing in so many ways. I also have compassion for those who have fear from hard birth experiences. I look at each of my births as a time of growing and learning. I am thankful for the joy each of my children bring me everyday and I would do each of their births over again a million times knowing I get my precious kids.
Friday, March 8, 2013
lost
Its my Friday morning....this means I have two children in school, one with a good friend and the littlest is taking her morning nap. I have my coffee and my smoothie, I have my bible and my journal, and today I have all the windows open with and looking out one side I see the sun shining and out the other window I see huge rain clouds rolling in. I look forward to this day. I rarely take it for myself, I am usually found doing many other things with my Friday mornings. Today I felt the Lord calling me to come and sit, be still, hear Him. So as uncomfortable as it is to stop and rest when there are a million things to do, I have found myself cuddled up in my chair in the quiet with Jesus. WOW! Its been way too long, this is a good place to be. I have a good God.
This week has been full of trials. My fears, shame and insecurities have been triggered way to many times. Satan has found that foothold that draws me down and I have fought a battle spiritually this week. I have fought the truth of my new nature that comes with being a child of the Living God. I am His creation. He makes all things new. Reality is that I knew I was struggling this week and yet I justified my actions with my fear, shame and doubt. I ran in fear, I struggled for breath and I fell numerous times. I felt as though I was running through a dark forest and I couldn't see anything. There was help all around but I couldn't find the words to ask. My husband who loves me deeply fought to rescue me, he then also ran into the dark forest and then the two of us were both running but could not see anything. So we were both tripping, both falling, both trying to catch our breath and neither asking for help. Well it seems as though yesterday as we started another day in this dark forest, it started to rain and pour and it became muddy and after days without food or water our limitations were hit. No more running could be done, the falling and the lack of food had done too much damage to our souls and our bodies. So with worn and messy words I finally found my heart and my soul crying out in a whisper, "help, somebody help me, I'm worn, the enemy has me trapped and I cant find my way out." But here's where I went, I was looking for James to help me, I wanted him to rescue me. He so desperately wanted to rescue me but wait, he was lost in the dark, rainy forest too. Oh but I longed for him to save me, to show me the way out. So you have two people both asking for help, both lost and fearful. As I stopped in my fear, my anxiousness, my victim mentality, my insecurity and in my pride and realized James could not save me. The only person that could save me was the one who created light. My Jesus, my rescuer, my healer, my safe place, my giver of life, my creator, HE already saved me. In fact, he created this very forest, He already knows the way out. As I began to realize my desperate need for Him slowly the rain let up, light came through the trees, and as I wiped the mud from my eyes and picked up my beat down body I could see the way out that was already prepared for me.
You see the way out didn't come when I asked for help or when I realized where I went wrong. The way out was already there. He already rescued me, he already saved me, he already knew my deep struggle with the darkness. My Jesus, he created the light. He dawned a new day and gave me light to see how desperately I needed Him. As the light shown through I look across the forest and see James and we are both picking ourselves up. We helped each other up, and we walked hand in hand out of the forest together with our GOD leading us.
Today, right now, I still fight nightmares of that dark and scary forest, but I also rest in the redemption of our God who already paved this way for us, He gave us a way out of the forest. He, my Jesus knows also that I will go back there, I will in my human nature go back to the forest and try to find my own way again and He still loves me, He already paid for me and He will walk the journey with me again. His beautiful, sacrificing death on the cross already paid it all. He has already defeated the enemy, he already made the way into his arms, he already knows my sin for years to come and He gives me light, he shows me the way, he walks through the forest with me, he loves me, He calls me his own and He paid the ultimate price.
This week has been full of trials. My fears, shame and insecurities have been triggered way to many times. Satan has found that foothold that draws me down and I have fought a battle spiritually this week. I have fought the truth of my new nature that comes with being a child of the Living God. I am His creation. He makes all things new. Reality is that I knew I was struggling this week and yet I justified my actions with my fear, shame and doubt. I ran in fear, I struggled for breath and I fell numerous times. I felt as though I was running through a dark forest and I couldn't see anything. There was help all around but I couldn't find the words to ask. My husband who loves me deeply fought to rescue me, he then also ran into the dark forest and then the two of us were both running but could not see anything. So we were both tripping, both falling, both trying to catch our breath and neither asking for help. Well it seems as though yesterday as we started another day in this dark forest, it started to rain and pour and it became muddy and after days without food or water our limitations were hit. No more running could be done, the falling and the lack of food had done too much damage to our souls and our bodies. So with worn and messy words I finally found my heart and my soul crying out in a whisper, "help, somebody help me, I'm worn, the enemy has me trapped and I cant find my way out." But here's where I went, I was looking for James to help me, I wanted him to rescue me. He so desperately wanted to rescue me but wait, he was lost in the dark, rainy forest too. Oh but I longed for him to save me, to show me the way out. So you have two people both asking for help, both lost and fearful. As I stopped in my fear, my anxiousness, my victim mentality, my insecurity and in my pride and realized James could not save me. The only person that could save me was the one who created light. My Jesus, my rescuer, my healer, my safe place, my giver of life, my creator, HE already saved me. In fact, he created this very forest, He already knows the way out. As I began to realize my desperate need for Him slowly the rain let up, light came through the trees, and as I wiped the mud from my eyes and picked up my beat down body I could see the way out that was already prepared for me.
You see the way out didn't come when I asked for help or when I realized where I went wrong. The way out was already there. He already rescued me, he already saved me, he already knew my deep struggle with the darkness. My Jesus, he created the light. He dawned a new day and gave me light to see how desperately I needed Him. As the light shown through I look across the forest and see James and we are both picking ourselves up. We helped each other up, and we walked hand in hand out of the forest together with our GOD leading us.
Today, right now, I still fight nightmares of that dark and scary forest, but I also rest in the redemption of our God who already paved this way for us, He gave us a way out of the forest. He, my Jesus knows also that I will go back there, I will in my human nature go back to the forest and try to find my own way again and He still loves me, He already paid for me and He will walk the journey with me again. His beautiful, sacrificing death on the cross already paid it all. He has already defeated the enemy, he already made the way into his arms, he already knows my sin for years to come and He gives me light, he shows me the way, he walks through the forest with me, he loves me, He calls me his own and He paid the ultimate price.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Learning together
So often as a mom I find myself asking my kids to do things that I would never do. Things that intimidate me or things that scare me or things that I don't do. Things such as walking up to stranger kids at the park to make friends and play with. Yes, I would meet new people, yes its a good thing, but it scares me. I get nervous to meet new people. I know its a good thing to make new friends, but this has come from learning over time. I want my kids to be healthy and exercise. Can I expect this if I don't do these things? I want my kids to clean their rooms, but I don't always clean mine. So many parents make their kids go gluten free or dairy free but then they eat ice cream and bread in front of their kids. Parents want their kids to run outside and exercise while they sit inside and watch TV.
Now there's nothing wrong with gluten free or dairy free, there's nothing wrong with exercise, there's nothing wrong with meeting new friends at the park. I think that these are all amazing things. What we dont realize so often as parents is that our kids are watching everything we do. They see it all. They see when I ask them to clean their rooms but my room is a pit. They see when I don't let them get a happy meal or juice but I am eating fries and drinking soda. THEY WATCH EVERYTHING I DO! They learn from watching me. They see when I tell them to exercise but then sit on the sofa. They see me sitting by myself at the park but then asking them to go make friends. I find that it is absolutely necessary to be an example to my kids of what I am asking of them. I feel as though asking them to eat all of their veggies starts with me eating all of my veggies. I feel as though cleaning rooms starts with me cleaning my own room. I feel that making new friends needs to be taught and learned, not expected. My kids will hear me and learn from me as I am an example and not only authority.
My heart is to walk life with my kids. I want them to obey me because they know I am also doing the same things. I don't always do this right. Often I tell them they cannot play electronics, but then I spend hours on the computer. I tell them to sit at the dinner table until they are done, but then I will get up for a phone call. I do know that I am the parent and there are things that are different. There is a line of them just learning to obey me because I am then mom. I do believe this comes from gaining trust in relationship with my kids. They need to see that mom has walked the same journey. My seven year old needs to hear my stories of pain as I navigated through school and girls. She needs to know that I understand.
I always come back to the point that this is what Jesus did with us. He came to this earth, knowing what was best for us, knowing what comes from the joy of relationships and from creating disciplines. He knew it all and yet he came to this earth and walked this life with us. He experienced our pain, he felt the things we have all felt. He became human and he humbled himself to our level. We are His children. He knows of this amazing and better life that happens and he knows living this life and the sadness and struggles and pain that it comes with. I believe as a parent he is asking me to do the same. He is asking me to enter into my children's world and walk their journey with them. I do know the joy that comes from meeting new friends, I do know the health that comes from eating all of their vegetables, I do know that exercising is good for them. Just because i know these things does not mean they will just do these things. I know them for myself but I dont always discipline myself to do them.
So here I am as a mom, I am flawed, I am scared, I want so often to do my thing and feel inconvenienced when I need to teach my children things that seem so simple to me. But they are children, they are learning they need to know that I understand them and that they can trust me. I am their example of Jesus. I am NOT Jesus and I will make many many mistakes. But my heart longs for them to know Jesus, to fall deeper in love with their creator. This comes from me, this comes from me trusting Jesus with myself and with my kids. My kids and I are learning alongside each other. We are a team, we live this life together, we struggle together and we learn together. They have taught me more about my Jesus than I have ever known. They raise me.
Now there's nothing wrong with gluten free or dairy free, there's nothing wrong with exercise, there's nothing wrong with meeting new friends at the park. I think that these are all amazing things. What we dont realize so often as parents is that our kids are watching everything we do. They see it all. They see when I ask them to clean their rooms but my room is a pit. They see when I don't let them get a happy meal or juice but I am eating fries and drinking soda. THEY WATCH EVERYTHING I DO! They learn from watching me. They see when I tell them to exercise but then sit on the sofa. They see me sitting by myself at the park but then asking them to go make friends. I find that it is absolutely necessary to be an example to my kids of what I am asking of them. I feel as though asking them to eat all of their veggies starts with me eating all of my veggies. I feel as though cleaning rooms starts with me cleaning my own room. I feel that making new friends needs to be taught and learned, not expected. My kids will hear me and learn from me as I am an example and not only authority.
My heart is to walk life with my kids. I want them to obey me because they know I am also doing the same things. I don't always do this right. Often I tell them they cannot play electronics, but then I spend hours on the computer. I tell them to sit at the dinner table until they are done, but then I will get up for a phone call. I do know that I am the parent and there are things that are different. There is a line of them just learning to obey me because I am then mom. I do believe this comes from gaining trust in relationship with my kids. They need to see that mom has walked the same journey. My seven year old needs to hear my stories of pain as I navigated through school and girls. She needs to know that I understand.
I always come back to the point that this is what Jesus did with us. He came to this earth, knowing what was best for us, knowing what comes from the joy of relationships and from creating disciplines. He knew it all and yet he came to this earth and walked this life with us. He experienced our pain, he felt the things we have all felt. He became human and he humbled himself to our level. We are His children. He knows of this amazing and better life that happens and he knows living this life and the sadness and struggles and pain that it comes with. I believe as a parent he is asking me to do the same. He is asking me to enter into my children's world and walk their journey with them. I do know the joy that comes from meeting new friends, I do know the health that comes from eating all of their vegetables, I do know that exercising is good for them. Just because i know these things does not mean they will just do these things. I know them for myself but I dont always discipline myself to do them.
So here I am as a mom, I am flawed, I am scared, I want so often to do my thing and feel inconvenienced when I need to teach my children things that seem so simple to me. But they are children, they are learning they need to know that I understand them and that they can trust me. I am their example of Jesus. I am NOT Jesus and I will make many many mistakes. But my heart longs for them to know Jesus, to fall deeper in love with their creator. This comes from me, this comes from me trusting Jesus with myself and with my kids. My kids and I are learning alongside each other. We are a team, we live this life together, we struggle together and we learn together. They have taught me more about my Jesus than I have ever known. They raise me.
Monday, January 28, 2013
A Wondrous Piece of Art
A night last week James had a meeting till late and I was home with the four kids.....normally this is totally fine but it was after a really LOOOOONG weekend. I was thoroughly exhausted and so were the kids. Cranky moods all around. Sickness has not let up in our home, laundry has not let up in our home and the mess has multiplied. All this to say, it was hard to see James walk out the door. Everything in me shouted to make him stay, manipulate him in to thinking I just couldn't do it without him. Thankfully that did not kick in, although I am not a very discreet person, so he did not walk out the door to me cheering him on either.
James left and I begged Jesus for a great night and lots of mercy, oh I needed mercy! The night went great! We had a picnic dinner on the floor, baths and books for all, kids did not fight, brushing teeth was not a screaming event and bed time was seamless...I even trimmed all of their nails and painted the girls toes. I was pretty stinkin proud of myself.
All the little ones were down and Catherine, my sweet big girl was up reading in her bed. She is a lot like her dad, she thinks deeply, she over analyzes everything and she questions everything. Its pretty cool, but by 8pm I was not ready for questions. After getting the little ones down, I quickly went into her room and prayed for her, I was really ready for the glass of wine I had waiting for me! During my prayer I thanked Jesus that he had thought of Catherine since the beginning of time, He has always loved her and always known her. After praying and a quick kiss I hear, "Mommy, I have a question?" Oh no, I am not ready for a question, I don't want to stay in here all night long, where is James? He does this stuff way better than me, I am just a mom, I can change diapers, give baths, sing songs, do laundry and dishes, I can go on long walk with the kids and read books, I will even do their homework and cook with them, but theological questions are a challenge and a huge source of insecurity for me. I mean, I know what I believe but to try and explain it is so hard for me. I am not the teacher, my husband is the teacher. Yes all of this went through my head in the three seconds it took me to turn around and say, "Whats that sweet girl?" and she responds, "Well, well you prayed you said that Jesus thought of me since the beginning and he knew me and loved me. So where was I before I was here, I mean I know I was in your tummy, but before that? Where was i? Was I in heaven? Was I somewhere else? How come I don't remember?" Yes all of these questions came out of her mouth....OVERLOAD! Welp, that glass of wine will just have to wait. Again I prayed for sweet mercy from Jesus to speak his words through me, teach his heart to my sweet girl. She stared at me with those blue eyes that are so kind, innocent and sweet, she longed to not just hear a quick answer but the absolute truth about who she is. So here I go....."Sweet girl, do you know how when you dream of writing a story or doing an art project?" She nods her head yes. "You are God's art. You are his story. He dreamed of you and thought of you in his mind. He thought of every freckle on your face, he thought of your smile and your blue eyes and he thought through every wavy hair he put on your head. He dreamed of the people you would influence and affect with your life, he dreamed of the brother and sisters he would give you, he thought through the mom and dad he wanted for you, he dreamed of you. And when just the right time came and he had all the right things in place and the right supplies, he created Catherine. You are his art, his beautiful work of art. And you know when you create a piece of art or write a story you make it just right, you love what you created because you created it, you have a reason for everything you do and every word you write?" She continues to nod. "Jesus did the same, AND better than that, he doesnt have to scribble out words or crooked lines, HE doesnt make mistakes because he is perfect. So you my girl have been in the mind of the King of the Universe before time began, you are a well thought out story and work of art that has been placed in this family, in this life by Jesus. Thats where you were!" Both of us had tears in our eyes and we hugged. She just hugged me and cried and smiled and laughed.
How cool to hear at 7 that you have identity, you have meaning and a reason for being here. You are not just a daughter or sister, YOU are a wondrous piece of art. Little did I know James had come home early from his meeting and I turned around to see him standing at the door crying. We walked out of her room together and he hugged me and then said, "Do you believe that about you?" What? No! I am not ready to go into that! No thank you. I can teach them to my children, but me? That's hard. What I realized is that those words that I was just priding myself on saying, they came from Jesus. And yes they were for my questioning daughter but Jesus was also speaking them to me, his Daughter. I fight everyday with significance, with meaning, with wondering if God just had a bad day when he made me. I FIGHT hard. Needless to say in the past week, I am hearing those words spoken to me and learning alongside my daughter to believe them. God is good and faithful and he is healing me each day from my fight of rejection and insecurity. I am His Wondrous work of Art. You are His Wondrous work of Art. Once again, my children really do raise me.
James left and I begged Jesus for a great night and lots of mercy, oh I needed mercy! The night went great! We had a picnic dinner on the floor, baths and books for all, kids did not fight, brushing teeth was not a screaming event and bed time was seamless...I even trimmed all of their nails and painted the girls toes. I was pretty stinkin proud of myself.
All the little ones were down and Catherine, my sweet big girl was up reading in her bed. She is a lot like her dad, she thinks deeply, she over analyzes everything and she questions everything. Its pretty cool, but by 8pm I was not ready for questions. After getting the little ones down, I quickly went into her room and prayed for her, I was really ready for the glass of wine I had waiting for me! During my prayer I thanked Jesus that he had thought of Catherine since the beginning of time, He has always loved her and always known her. After praying and a quick kiss I hear, "Mommy, I have a question?" Oh no, I am not ready for a question, I don't want to stay in here all night long, where is James? He does this stuff way better than me, I am just a mom, I can change diapers, give baths, sing songs, do laundry and dishes, I can go on long walk with the kids and read books, I will even do their homework and cook with them, but theological questions are a challenge and a huge source of insecurity for me. I mean, I know what I believe but to try and explain it is so hard for me. I am not the teacher, my husband is the teacher. Yes all of this went through my head in the three seconds it took me to turn around and say, "Whats that sweet girl?" and she responds, "Well, well you prayed you said that Jesus thought of me since the beginning and he knew me and loved me. So where was I before I was here, I mean I know I was in your tummy, but before that? Where was i? Was I in heaven? Was I somewhere else? How come I don't remember?" Yes all of these questions came out of her mouth....OVERLOAD! Welp, that glass of wine will just have to wait. Again I prayed for sweet mercy from Jesus to speak his words through me, teach his heart to my sweet girl. She stared at me with those blue eyes that are so kind, innocent and sweet, she longed to not just hear a quick answer but the absolute truth about who she is. So here I go....."Sweet girl, do you know how when you dream of writing a story or doing an art project?" She nods her head yes. "You are God's art. You are his story. He dreamed of you and thought of you in his mind. He thought of every freckle on your face, he thought of your smile and your blue eyes and he thought through every wavy hair he put on your head. He dreamed of the people you would influence and affect with your life, he dreamed of the brother and sisters he would give you, he thought through the mom and dad he wanted for you, he dreamed of you. And when just the right time came and he had all the right things in place and the right supplies, he created Catherine. You are his art, his beautiful work of art. And you know when you create a piece of art or write a story you make it just right, you love what you created because you created it, you have a reason for everything you do and every word you write?" She continues to nod. "Jesus did the same, AND better than that, he doesnt have to scribble out words or crooked lines, HE doesnt make mistakes because he is perfect. So you my girl have been in the mind of the King of the Universe before time began, you are a well thought out story and work of art that has been placed in this family, in this life by Jesus. Thats where you were!" Both of us had tears in our eyes and we hugged. She just hugged me and cried and smiled and laughed.
How cool to hear at 7 that you have identity, you have meaning and a reason for being here. You are not just a daughter or sister, YOU are a wondrous piece of art. Little did I know James had come home early from his meeting and I turned around to see him standing at the door crying. We walked out of her room together and he hugged me and then said, "Do you believe that about you?" What? No! I am not ready to go into that! No thank you. I can teach them to my children, but me? That's hard. What I realized is that those words that I was just priding myself on saying, they came from Jesus. And yes they were for my questioning daughter but Jesus was also speaking them to me, his Daughter. I fight everyday with significance, with meaning, with wondering if God just had a bad day when he made me. I FIGHT hard. Needless to say in the past week, I am hearing those words spoken to me and learning alongside my daughter to believe them. God is good and faithful and he is healing me each day from my fight of rejection and insecurity. I am His Wondrous work of Art. You are His Wondrous work of Art. Once again, my children really do raise me.
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Awkward
You know that super awkward phase of late Jr.High and early High School? That weird one where your body is growing but different parts grow at different times. Like when your legs are long and lanky yet you have a bit of a belly and poky elbows and much much more? Ahhh probably one of the hardest seasons of life. Everyone is different, everyone is comparing and everyone is trying to figure out who they are.We spend the majority of this season trying to please others than to find who we really are and doing the things we really like. You think you're really cool but its just not working. Girls are noticing boys and boys are noticing girls. Deodorant and showers are becoming a must. Acne is crowding the face. It is often the season where boys are tripping and falling over their own feet and girls are trying to put on makeup for the first time or learning to shave their legs and weird patches of hair get left behind. Hormones are kicking in and voices are changing, boobs are growing and ITS JUST AWKWARD! I do not for one second miss that phase of life. I just don't. It was hard, scary and lonely.
Sometimes as a mom I feel as though I am back in this place. Its hard, awkward, scary and lonely AND I have a great community. I cant imagine doing this without my community. But I often feel as I navigate my way through motherhood I am often tripping and falling and I am often looking at others and comparing and wondering if I am ok. Am I doing this right? Is she better? Do I need to do something different? They discipline this way, should we? Their kids go to bed at this time, should we do that? They only feed their kids organic food, are we bad for giving them sugar? Did I spend enough time with them today? Does my girl know i love her? Did I explain that ok? Am I horribly mean because I yelled today? Will they remember how much I love them when they grow up? Every single day I question myself as a mom. I question how and why and what I am doing. I fight feeling like I am doing it all wrong some days Its just awkward and hard when our kids melts down in a grocery store or push another kid down at the park. And oh yes plenty of people will tell you what to do in that situation like, "just leave your basket and leave the store or pick up your kid and take them home!" or "Do not let the child win, you are the mom." Well what if I need those groceries? What if I don't have time to come back and this is the only time to shop? What if I don't want to leave the park? What if I want to work through it with my child instead of just leaving a hard situation? What do I do? Everyone of my kids are different and they need different things at different times. Sometimes I just bribe my kids! I DO! I am the mom and I just don't have the energy some days. Am I allowed to not have the energy? Is this giving up? Each time I go out with one of my children or I discipline them I question and I see what works, how it works and its different at different times. Its just awkward and oh so hard!
Living in a world where people are so free to give advice, tell you what to do, share their opinions and to compare. Often we end up parenting for the sake of others and we forget that parenting is about our kids. We are spending most of parenthood trying to please others and we end up forgetting who we are and that we may just do things differently. We want the affirmation of others. Which is totally normal but when it comes at a cost to our children then we are forgetting our calling and we fail our children. Our children need us to be fully present. They need us to look at them in the eyes and hear what they are saying. They need us to parent them for them and not from what a parenting book may say or what others may say. They need us to love them as individuals and not as just one of the five love languages. They are learning, they are growing, they need us. They need a safe place to land when life is awkward and weird and unforgiving and when they fail. They need ME! They don't need another mom, Jesus gave them to me for a reason, he trusted me with my children. Part of that trust comes with me giving everything back to Him everyday and trusting him with my kids, trusting him with my awkward and hard moments, trusting him when I fail and letting my kids into the process with me.
I am not perfect and I will probably most of my life tend to go back to the feelings of Jr. High and be awkward. But the thing is that Jr. High ends, bodies develop, people find their talents and skills, people find out who they are and what they are most comfortable wearing or doing, people go to college and become adults and learn and they grow. People mature. Everyday as a mom, I am learning, I am growing and I am maturing. It is most definitely coming with growing pains but as I mature and I begin more and more to trust Jesus and others with me I will become more comfortable in my parenting, in my love for my children. I will keep close the advice of the mentors that I trust so dearly and I will cling on to the sweet hope that Jesus is walking through this all with me. Awkward days and all.....
Sometimes as a mom I feel as though I am back in this place. Its hard, awkward, scary and lonely AND I have a great community. I cant imagine doing this without my community. But I often feel as I navigate my way through motherhood I am often tripping and falling and I am often looking at others and comparing and wondering if I am ok. Am I doing this right? Is she better? Do I need to do something different? They discipline this way, should we? Their kids go to bed at this time, should we do that? They only feed their kids organic food, are we bad for giving them sugar? Did I spend enough time with them today? Does my girl know i love her? Did I explain that ok? Am I horribly mean because I yelled today? Will they remember how much I love them when they grow up? Every single day I question myself as a mom. I question how and why and what I am doing. I fight feeling like I am doing it all wrong some days Its just awkward and hard when our kids melts down in a grocery store or push another kid down at the park. And oh yes plenty of people will tell you what to do in that situation like, "just leave your basket and leave the store or pick up your kid and take them home!" or "Do not let the child win, you are the mom." Well what if I need those groceries? What if I don't have time to come back and this is the only time to shop? What if I don't want to leave the park? What if I want to work through it with my child instead of just leaving a hard situation? What do I do? Everyone of my kids are different and they need different things at different times. Sometimes I just bribe my kids! I DO! I am the mom and I just don't have the energy some days. Am I allowed to not have the energy? Is this giving up? Each time I go out with one of my children or I discipline them I question and I see what works, how it works and its different at different times. Its just awkward and oh so hard!
Living in a world where people are so free to give advice, tell you what to do, share their opinions and to compare. Often we end up parenting for the sake of others and we forget that parenting is about our kids. We are spending most of parenthood trying to please others and we end up forgetting who we are and that we may just do things differently. We want the affirmation of others. Which is totally normal but when it comes at a cost to our children then we are forgetting our calling and we fail our children. Our children need us to be fully present. They need us to look at them in the eyes and hear what they are saying. They need us to parent them for them and not from what a parenting book may say or what others may say. They need us to love them as individuals and not as just one of the five love languages. They are learning, they are growing, they need us. They need a safe place to land when life is awkward and weird and unforgiving and when they fail. They need ME! They don't need another mom, Jesus gave them to me for a reason, he trusted me with my children. Part of that trust comes with me giving everything back to Him everyday and trusting him with my kids, trusting him with my awkward and hard moments, trusting him when I fail and letting my kids into the process with me.
I am not perfect and I will probably most of my life tend to go back to the feelings of Jr. High and be awkward. But the thing is that Jr. High ends, bodies develop, people find their talents and skills, people find out who they are and what they are most comfortable wearing or doing, people go to college and become adults and learn and they grow. People mature. Everyday as a mom, I am learning, I am growing and I am maturing. It is most definitely coming with growing pains but as I mature and I begin more and more to trust Jesus and others with me I will become more comfortable in my parenting, in my love for my children. I will keep close the advice of the mentors that I trust so dearly and I will cling on to the sweet hope that Jesus is walking through this all with me. Awkward days and all.....
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