Its my Friday morning....this means I have two children in school, one with a good friend and the littlest is taking her morning nap. I have my coffee and my smoothie, I have my bible and my journal, and today I have all the windows open with and looking out one side I see the sun shining and out the other window I see huge rain clouds rolling in. I look forward to this day. I rarely take it for myself, I am usually found doing many other things with my Friday mornings. Today I felt the Lord calling me to come and sit, be still, hear Him. So as uncomfortable as it is to stop and rest when there are a million things to do, I have found myself cuddled up in my chair in the quiet with Jesus. WOW! Its been way too long, this is a good place to be. I have a good God.
This week has been full of trials. My fears, shame and insecurities have been triggered way to many times. Satan has found that foothold that draws me down and I have fought a battle spiritually this week. I have fought the truth of my new nature that comes with being a child of the Living God. I am His creation. He makes all things new. Reality is that I knew I was struggling this week and yet I justified my actions with my fear, shame and doubt. I ran in fear, I struggled for breath and I fell numerous times. I felt as though I was running through a dark forest and I couldn't see anything. There was help all around but I couldn't find the words to ask. My husband who loves me deeply fought to rescue me, he then also ran into the dark forest and then the two of us were both running but could not see anything. So we were both tripping, both falling, both trying to catch our breath and neither asking for help. Well it seems as though yesterday as we started another day in this dark forest, it started to rain and pour and it became muddy and after days without food or water our limitations were hit. No more running could be done, the falling and the lack of food had done too much damage to our souls and our bodies. So with worn and messy words I finally found my heart and my soul crying out in a whisper, "help, somebody help me, I'm worn, the enemy has me trapped and I cant find my way out." But here's where I went, I was looking for James to help me, I wanted him to rescue me. He so desperately wanted to rescue me but wait, he was lost in the dark, rainy forest too. Oh but I longed for him to save me, to show me the way out. So you have two people both asking for help, both lost and fearful. As I stopped in my fear, my anxiousness, my victim mentality, my insecurity and in my pride and realized James could not save me. The only person that could save me was the one who created light. My Jesus, my rescuer, my healer, my safe place, my giver of life, my creator, HE already saved me. In fact, he created this very forest, He already knows the way out. As I began to realize my desperate need for Him slowly the rain let up, light came through the trees, and as I wiped the mud from my eyes and picked up my beat down body I could see the way out that was already prepared for me.
You see the way out didn't come when I asked for help or when I realized where I went wrong. The way out was already there. He already rescued me, he already saved me, he already knew my deep struggle with the darkness. My Jesus, he created the light. He dawned a new day and gave me light to see how desperately I needed Him. As the light shown through I look across the forest and see James and we are both picking ourselves up. We helped each other up, and we walked hand in hand out of the forest together with our GOD leading us.
Today, right now, I still fight nightmares of that dark and scary forest, but I also rest in the redemption of our God who already paved this way for us, He gave us a way out of the forest. He, my Jesus knows also that I will go back there, I will in my human nature go back to the forest and try to find my own way again and He still loves me, He already paid for me and He will walk the journey with me again. His beautiful, sacrificing death on the cross already paid it all. He has already defeated the enemy, he already made the way into his arms, he already knows my sin for years to come and He gives me light, he shows me the way, he walks through the forest with me, he loves me, He calls me his own and He paid the ultimate price.
Friday, March 8, 2013
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Learning together
So often as a mom I find myself asking my kids to do things that I would never do. Things that intimidate me or things that scare me or things that I don't do. Things such as walking up to stranger kids at the park to make friends and play with. Yes, I would meet new people, yes its a good thing, but it scares me. I get nervous to meet new people. I know its a good thing to make new friends, but this has come from learning over time. I want my kids to be healthy and exercise. Can I expect this if I don't do these things? I want my kids to clean their rooms, but I don't always clean mine. So many parents make their kids go gluten free or dairy free but then they eat ice cream and bread in front of their kids. Parents want their kids to run outside and exercise while they sit inside and watch TV.
Now there's nothing wrong with gluten free or dairy free, there's nothing wrong with exercise, there's nothing wrong with meeting new friends at the park. I think that these are all amazing things. What we dont realize so often as parents is that our kids are watching everything we do. They see it all. They see when I ask them to clean their rooms but my room is a pit. They see when I don't let them get a happy meal or juice but I am eating fries and drinking soda. THEY WATCH EVERYTHING I DO! They learn from watching me. They see when I tell them to exercise but then sit on the sofa. They see me sitting by myself at the park but then asking them to go make friends. I find that it is absolutely necessary to be an example to my kids of what I am asking of them. I feel as though asking them to eat all of their veggies starts with me eating all of my veggies. I feel as though cleaning rooms starts with me cleaning my own room. I feel that making new friends needs to be taught and learned, not expected. My kids will hear me and learn from me as I am an example and not only authority.
My heart is to walk life with my kids. I want them to obey me because they know I am also doing the same things. I don't always do this right. Often I tell them they cannot play electronics, but then I spend hours on the computer. I tell them to sit at the dinner table until they are done, but then I will get up for a phone call. I do know that I am the parent and there are things that are different. There is a line of them just learning to obey me because I am then mom. I do believe this comes from gaining trust in relationship with my kids. They need to see that mom has walked the same journey. My seven year old needs to hear my stories of pain as I navigated through school and girls. She needs to know that I understand.
I always come back to the point that this is what Jesus did with us. He came to this earth, knowing what was best for us, knowing what comes from the joy of relationships and from creating disciplines. He knew it all and yet he came to this earth and walked this life with us. He experienced our pain, he felt the things we have all felt. He became human and he humbled himself to our level. We are His children. He knows of this amazing and better life that happens and he knows living this life and the sadness and struggles and pain that it comes with. I believe as a parent he is asking me to do the same. He is asking me to enter into my children's world and walk their journey with them. I do know the joy that comes from meeting new friends, I do know the health that comes from eating all of their vegetables, I do know that exercising is good for them. Just because i know these things does not mean they will just do these things. I know them for myself but I dont always discipline myself to do them.
So here I am as a mom, I am flawed, I am scared, I want so often to do my thing and feel inconvenienced when I need to teach my children things that seem so simple to me. But they are children, they are learning they need to know that I understand them and that they can trust me. I am their example of Jesus. I am NOT Jesus and I will make many many mistakes. But my heart longs for them to know Jesus, to fall deeper in love with their creator. This comes from me, this comes from me trusting Jesus with myself and with my kids. My kids and I are learning alongside each other. We are a team, we live this life together, we struggle together and we learn together. They have taught me more about my Jesus than I have ever known. They raise me.
Now there's nothing wrong with gluten free or dairy free, there's nothing wrong with exercise, there's nothing wrong with meeting new friends at the park. I think that these are all amazing things. What we dont realize so often as parents is that our kids are watching everything we do. They see it all. They see when I ask them to clean their rooms but my room is a pit. They see when I don't let them get a happy meal or juice but I am eating fries and drinking soda. THEY WATCH EVERYTHING I DO! They learn from watching me. They see when I tell them to exercise but then sit on the sofa. They see me sitting by myself at the park but then asking them to go make friends. I find that it is absolutely necessary to be an example to my kids of what I am asking of them. I feel as though asking them to eat all of their veggies starts with me eating all of my veggies. I feel as though cleaning rooms starts with me cleaning my own room. I feel that making new friends needs to be taught and learned, not expected. My kids will hear me and learn from me as I am an example and not only authority.
My heart is to walk life with my kids. I want them to obey me because they know I am also doing the same things. I don't always do this right. Often I tell them they cannot play electronics, but then I spend hours on the computer. I tell them to sit at the dinner table until they are done, but then I will get up for a phone call. I do know that I am the parent and there are things that are different. There is a line of them just learning to obey me because I am then mom. I do believe this comes from gaining trust in relationship with my kids. They need to see that mom has walked the same journey. My seven year old needs to hear my stories of pain as I navigated through school and girls. She needs to know that I understand.
I always come back to the point that this is what Jesus did with us. He came to this earth, knowing what was best for us, knowing what comes from the joy of relationships and from creating disciplines. He knew it all and yet he came to this earth and walked this life with us. He experienced our pain, he felt the things we have all felt. He became human and he humbled himself to our level. We are His children. He knows of this amazing and better life that happens and he knows living this life and the sadness and struggles and pain that it comes with. I believe as a parent he is asking me to do the same. He is asking me to enter into my children's world and walk their journey with them. I do know the joy that comes from meeting new friends, I do know the health that comes from eating all of their vegetables, I do know that exercising is good for them. Just because i know these things does not mean they will just do these things. I know them for myself but I dont always discipline myself to do them.
So here I am as a mom, I am flawed, I am scared, I want so often to do my thing and feel inconvenienced when I need to teach my children things that seem so simple to me. But they are children, they are learning they need to know that I understand them and that they can trust me. I am their example of Jesus. I am NOT Jesus and I will make many many mistakes. But my heart longs for them to know Jesus, to fall deeper in love with their creator. This comes from me, this comes from me trusting Jesus with myself and with my kids. My kids and I are learning alongside each other. We are a team, we live this life together, we struggle together and we learn together. They have taught me more about my Jesus than I have ever known. They raise me.
Monday, January 28, 2013
A Wondrous Piece of Art
A night last week James had a meeting till late and I was home with the four kids.....normally this is totally fine but it was after a really LOOOOONG weekend. I was thoroughly exhausted and so were the kids. Cranky moods all around. Sickness has not let up in our home, laundry has not let up in our home and the mess has multiplied. All this to say, it was hard to see James walk out the door. Everything in me shouted to make him stay, manipulate him in to thinking I just couldn't do it without him. Thankfully that did not kick in, although I am not a very discreet person, so he did not walk out the door to me cheering him on either.
James left and I begged Jesus for a great night and lots of mercy, oh I needed mercy! The night went great! We had a picnic dinner on the floor, baths and books for all, kids did not fight, brushing teeth was not a screaming event and bed time was seamless...I even trimmed all of their nails and painted the girls toes. I was pretty stinkin proud of myself.
All the little ones were down and Catherine, my sweet big girl was up reading in her bed. She is a lot like her dad, she thinks deeply, she over analyzes everything and she questions everything. Its pretty cool, but by 8pm I was not ready for questions. After getting the little ones down, I quickly went into her room and prayed for her, I was really ready for the glass of wine I had waiting for me! During my prayer I thanked Jesus that he had thought of Catherine since the beginning of time, He has always loved her and always known her. After praying and a quick kiss I hear, "Mommy, I have a question?" Oh no, I am not ready for a question, I don't want to stay in here all night long, where is James? He does this stuff way better than me, I am just a mom, I can change diapers, give baths, sing songs, do laundry and dishes, I can go on long walk with the kids and read books, I will even do their homework and cook with them, but theological questions are a challenge and a huge source of insecurity for me. I mean, I know what I believe but to try and explain it is so hard for me. I am not the teacher, my husband is the teacher. Yes all of this went through my head in the three seconds it took me to turn around and say, "Whats that sweet girl?" and she responds, "Well, well you prayed you said that Jesus thought of me since the beginning and he knew me and loved me. So where was I before I was here, I mean I know I was in your tummy, but before that? Where was i? Was I in heaven? Was I somewhere else? How come I don't remember?" Yes all of these questions came out of her mouth....OVERLOAD! Welp, that glass of wine will just have to wait. Again I prayed for sweet mercy from Jesus to speak his words through me, teach his heart to my sweet girl. She stared at me with those blue eyes that are so kind, innocent and sweet, she longed to not just hear a quick answer but the absolute truth about who she is. So here I go....."Sweet girl, do you know how when you dream of writing a story or doing an art project?" She nods her head yes. "You are God's art. You are his story. He dreamed of you and thought of you in his mind. He thought of every freckle on your face, he thought of your smile and your blue eyes and he thought through every wavy hair he put on your head. He dreamed of the people you would influence and affect with your life, he dreamed of the brother and sisters he would give you, he thought through the mom and dad he wanted for you, he dreamed of you. And when just the right time came and he had all the right things in place and the right supplies, he created Catherine. You are his art, his beautiful work of art. And you know when you create a piece of art or write a story you make it just right, you love what you created because you created it, you have a reason for everything you do and every word you write?" She continues to nod. "Jesus did the same, AND better than that, he doesnt have to scribble out words or crooked lines, HE doesnt make mistakes because he is perfect. So you my girl have been in the mind of the King of the Universe before time began, you are a well thought out story and work of art that has been placed in this family, in this life by Jesus. Thats where you were!" Both of us had tears in our eyes and we hugged. She just hugged me and cried and smiled and laughed.
How cool to hear at 7 that you have identity, you have meaning and a reason for being here. You are not just a daughter or sister, YOU are a wondrous piece of art. Little did I know James had come home early from his meeting and I turned around to see him standing at the door crying. We walked out of her room together and he hugged me and then said, "Do you believe that about you?" What? No! I am not ready to go into that! No thank you. I can teach them to my children, but me? That's hard. What I realized is that those words that I was just priding myself on saying, they came from Jesus. And yes they were for my questioning daughter but Jesus was also speaking them to me, his Daughter. I fight everyday with significance, with meaning, with wondering if God just had a bad day when he made me. I FIGHT hard. Needless to say in the past week, I am hearing those words spoken to me and learning alongside my daughter to believe them. God is good and faithful and he is healing me each day from my fight of rejection and insecurity. I am His Wondrous work of Art. You are His Wondrous work of Art. Once again, my children really do raise me.
James left and I begged Jesus for a great night and lots of mercy, oh I needed mercy! The night went great! We had a picnic dinner on the floor, baths and books for all, kids did not fight, brushing teeth was not a screaming event and bed time was seamless...I even trimmed all of their nails and painted the girls toes. I was pretty stinkin proud of myself.
All the little ones were down and Catherine, my sweet big girl was up reading in her bed. She is a lot like her dad, she thinks deeply, she over analyzes everything and she questions everything. Its pretty cool, but by 8pm I was not ready for questions. After getting the little ones down, I quickly went into her room and prayed for her, I was really ready for the glass of wine I had waiting for me! During my prayer I thanked Jesus that he had thought of Catherine since the beginning of time, He has always loved her and always known her. After praying and a quick kiss I hear, "Mommy, I have a question?" Oh no, I am not ready for a question, I don't want to stay in here all night long, where is James? He does this stuff way better than me, I am just a mom, I can change diapers, give baths, sing songs, do laundry and dishes, I can go on long walk with the kids and read books, I will even do their homework and cook with them, but theological questions are a challenge and a huge source of insecurity for me. I mean, I know what I believe but to try and explain it is so hard for me. I am not the teacher, my husband is the teacher. Yes all of this went through my head in the three seconds it took me to turn around and say, "Whats that sweet girl?" and she responds, "Well, well you prayed you said that Jesus thought of me since the beginning and he knew me and loved me. So where was I before I was here, I mean I know I was in your tummy, but before that? Where was i? Was I in heaven? Was I somewhere else? How come I don't remember?" Yes all of these questions came out of her mouth....OVERLOAD! Welp, that glass of wine will just have to wait. Again I prayed for sweet mercy from Jesus to speak his words through me, teach his heart to my sweet girl. She stared at me with those blue eyes that are so kind, innocent and sweet, she longed to not just hear a quick answer but the absolute truth about who she is. So here I go....."Sweet girl, do you know how when you dream of writing a story or doing an art project?" She nods her head yes. "You are God's art. You are his story. He dreamed of you and thought of you in his mind. He thought of every freckle on your face, he thought of your smile and your blue eyes and he thought through every wavy hair he put on your head. He dreamed of the people you would influence and affect with your life, he dreamed of the brother and sisters he would give you, he thought through the mom and dad he wanted for you, he dreamed of you. And when just the right time came and he had all the right things in place and the right supplies, he created Catherine. You are his art, his beautiful work of art. And you know when you create a piece of art or write a story you make it just right, you love what you created because you created it, you have a reason for everything you do and every word you write?" She continues to nod. "Jesus did the same, AND better than that, he doesnt have to scribble out words or crooked lines, HE doesnt make mistakes because he is perfect. So you my girl have been in the mind of the King of the Universe before time began, you are a well thought out story and work of art that has been placed in this family, in this life by Jesus. Thats where you were!" Both of us had tears in our eyes and we hugged. She just hugged me and cried and smiled and laughed.
How cool to hear at 7 that you have identity, you have meaning and a reason for being here. You are not just a daughter or sister, YOU are a wondrous piece of art. Little did I know James had come home early from his meeting and I turned around to see him standing at the door crying. We walked out of her room together and he hugged me and then said, "Do you believe that about you?" What? No! I am not ready to go into that! No thank you. I can teach them to my children, but me? That's hard. What I realized is that those words that I was just priding myself on saying, they came from Jesus. And yes they were for my questioning daughter but Jesus was also speaking them to me, his Daughter. I fight everyday with significance, with meaning, with wondering if God just had a bad day when he made me. I FIGHT hard. Needless to say in the past week, I am hearing those words spoken to me and learning alongside my daughter to believe them. God is good and faithful and he is healing me each day from my fight of rejection and insecurity. I am His Wondrous work of Art. You are His Wondrous work of Art. Once again, my children really do raise me.
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Awkward
You know that super awkward phase of late Jr.High and early High School? That weird one where your body is growing but different parts grow at different times. Like when your legs are long and lanky yet you have a bit of a belly and poky elbows and much much more? Ahhh probably one of the hardest seasons of life. Everyone is different, everyone is comparing and everyone is trying to figure out who they are.We spend the majority of this season trying to please others than to find who we really are and doing the things we really like. You think you're really cool but its just not working. Girls are noticing boys and boys are noticing girls. Deodorant and showers are becoming a must. Acne is crowding the face. It is often the season where boys are tripping and falling over their own feet and girls are trying to put on makeup for the first time or learning to shave their legs and weird patches of hair get left behind. Hormones are kicking in and voices are changing, boobs are growing and ITS JUST AWKWARD! I do not for one second miss that phase of life. I just don't. It was hard, scary and lonely.
Sometimes as a mom I feel as though I am back in this place. Its hard, awkward, scary and lonely AND I have a great community. I cant imagine doing this without my community. But I often feel as I navigate my way through motherhood I am often tripping and falling and I am often looking at others and comparing and wondering if I am ok. Am I doing this right? Is she better? Do I need to do something different? They discipline this way, should we? Their kids go to bed at this time, should we do that? They only feed their kids organic food, are we bad for giving them sugar? Did I spend enough time with them today? Does my girl know i love her? Did I explain that ok? Am I horribly mean because I yelled today? Will they remember how much I love them when they grow up? Every single day I question myself as a mom. I question how and why and what I am doing. I fight feeling like I am doing it all wrong some days Its just awkward and hard when our kids melts down in a grocery store or push another kid down at the park. And oh yes plenty of people will tell you what to do in that situation like, "just leave your basket and leave the store or pick up your kid and take them home!" or "Do not let the child win, you are the mom." Well what if I need those groceries? What if I don't have time to come back and this is the only time to shop? What if I don't want to leave the park? What if I want to work through it with my child instead of just leaving a hard situation? What do I do? Everyone of my kids are different and they need different things at different times. Sometimes I just bribe my kids! I DO! I am the mom and I just don't have the energy some days. Am I allowed to not have the energy? Is this giving up? Each time I go out with one of my children or I discipline them I question and I see what works, how it works and its different at different times. Its just awkward and oh so hard!
Living in a world where people are so free to give advice, tell you what to do, share their opinions and to compare. Often we end up parenting for the sake of others and we forget that parenting is about our kids. We are spending most of parenthood trying to please others and we end up forgetting who we are and that we may just do things differently. We want the affirmation of others. Which is totally normal but when it comes at a cost to our children then we are forgetting our calling and we fail our children. Our children need us to be fully present. They need us to look at them in the eyes and hear what they are saying. They need us to parent them for them and not from what a parenting book may say or what others may say. They need us to love them as individuals and not as just one of the five love languages. They are learning, they are growing, they need us. They need a safe place to land when life is awkward and weird and unforgiving and when they fail. They need ME! They don't need another mom, Jesus gave them to me for a reason, he trusted me with my children. Part of that trust comes with me giving everything back to Him everyday and trusting him with my kids, trusting him with my awkward and hard moments, trusting him when I fail and letting my kids into the process with me.
I am not perfect and I will probably most of my life tend to go back to the feelings of Jr. High and be awkward. But the thing is that Jr. High ends, bodies develop, people find their talents and skills, people find out who they are and what they are most comfortable wearing or doing, people go to college and become adults and learn and they grow. People mature. Everyday as a mom, I am learning, I am growing and I am maturing. It is most definitely coming with growing pains but as I mature and I begin more and more to trust Jesus and others with me I will become more comfortable in my parenting, in my love for my children. I will keep close the advice of the mentors that I trust so dearly and I will cling on to the sweet hope that Jesus is walking through this all with me. Awkward days and all.....
Sometimes as a mom I feel as though I am back in this place. Its hard, awkward, scary and lonely AND I have a great community. I cant imagine doing this without my community. But I often feel as I navigate my way through motherhood I am often tripping and falling and I am often looking at others and comparing and wondering if I am ok. Am I doing this right? Is she better? Do I need to do something different? They discipline this way, should we? Their kids go to bed at this time, should we do that? They only feed their kids organic food, are we bad for giving them sugar? Did I spend enough time with them today? Does my girl know i love her? Did I explain that ok? Am I horribly mean because I yelled today? Will they remember how much I love them when they grow up? Every single day I question myself as a mom. I question how and why and what I am doing. I fight feeling like I am doing it all wrong some days Its just awkward and hard when our kids melts down in a grocery store or push another kid down at the park. And oh yes plenty of people will tell you what to do in that situation like, "just leave your basket and leave the store or pick up your kid and take them home!" or "Do not let the child win, you are the mom." Well what if I need those groceries? What if I don't have time to come back and this is the only time to shop? What if I don't want to leave the park? What if I want to work through it with my child instead of just leaving a hard situation? What do I do? Everyone of my kids are different and they need different things at different times. Sometimes I just bribe my kids! I DO! I am the mom and I just don't have the energy some days. Am I allowed to not have the energy? Is this giving up? Each time I go out with one of my children or I discipline them I question and I see what works, how it works and its different at different times. Its just awkward and oh so hard!
Living in a world where people are so free to give advice, tell you what to do, share their opinions and to compare. Often we end up parenting for the sake of others and we forget that parenting is about our kids. We are spending most of parenthood trying to please others and we end up forgetting who we are and that we may just do things differently. We want the affirmation of others. Which is totally normal but when it comes at a cost to our children then we are forgetting our calling and we fail our children. Our children need us to be fully present. They need us to look at them in the eyes and hear what they are saying. They need us to parent them for them and not from what a parenting book may say or what others may say. They need us to love them as individuals and not as just one of the five love languages. They are learning, they are growing, they need us. They need a safe place to land when life is awkward and weird and unforgiving and when they fail. They need ME! They don't need another mom, Jesus gave them to me for a reason, he trusted me with my children. Part of that trust comes with me giving everything back to Him everyday and trusting him with my kids, trusting him with my awkward and hard moments, trusting him when I fail and letting my kids into the process with me.
I am not perfect and I will probably most of my life tend to go back to the feelings of Jr. High and be awkward. But the thing is that Jr. High ends, bodies develop, people find their talents and skills, people find out who they are and what they are most comfortable wearing or doing, people go to college and become adults and learn and they grow. People mature. Everyday as a mom, I am learning, I am growing and I am maturing. It is most definitely coming with growing pains but as I mature and I begin more and more to trust Jesus and others with me I will become more comfortable in my parenting, in my love for my children. I will keep close the advice of the mentors that I trust so dearly and I will cling on to the sweet hope that Jesus is walking through this all with me. Awkward days and all.....
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Lost in motherhood...
If you know me, you know I LOVE being a mom. I love waking up early to my kids voices, I love making their meals fun for them to eat, I love taking them on walks, watching their movies, playing barbies, playing superman, crawling on the floor and so much more. I get great joy out of conversations with my kids and hearing their voices. I love to see them smile and laugh and I will do whatever it takes to get them to do it. My heart is all in it. My heart is a mom. So the questions I have been facing lately is....Who am I outside of being a mom and wife? What is my passion and woman and individual? What is my identity? I find so much of me gets caught up in being a mom and wife, and to be honest, I dont mind. I love it. But really, in 5 or so years when my kids are in school and James is at work and I am home alone.....who am I? Will I be sad and lonely because i have put all of my effort and time into motherhood that I find myself lost? I really dont know. I do know that I am passionate about life and I have great passion for Jr. High kids. I am in school now and hope to finish in the next 2 years. I want to finish in psychology and maybe get my masters in counseling so that I could be a jr. high school counselor some day. Even the idea behind this dream job is working around when my kids are in school and being available to them. But for right now I believe with all of my heart that my passion and my best effort should be going towards being a mom and wife. This is who I am, these are the precious lives that I am blessed with raising to grow into adults. This is my job and I take it very seriously. One day again i will get to focus on me and figure out what I want to do. And I trust that Jesus will walk through that time with me. But for now, I believe I am called to be a mom and wife. This is my heart. This is the identity through Christ that he so graciously gave me.
So I am going to take the days to soak up playing trains, watching elmo, reading books, snuggling for naps, hearing sweet voices, going to the park, and so much more. Even on the hardest of days, like ummmm yesterday when my 2 year old got out of the car in the grocery store parking lot and booked it in the store running the isles and when my 6 year old is sad cause of girls at school and my 8 month old is screaming her brains out from teething, I will find great joy in the times that I get to be their mom. I am the safest place on this earth for them. I am the one they get to melt down infront of or act as crazy as possible and they know they are loved. Once again, I love being a mom more than anything. Thank you Jesus!
So I am going to take the days to soak up playing trains, watching elmo, reading books, snuggling for naps, hearing sweet voices, going to the park, and so much more. Even on the hardest of days, like ummmm yesterday when my 2 year old got out of the car in the grocery store parking lot and booked it in the store running the isles and when my 6 year old is sad cause of girls at school and my 8 month old is screaming her brains out from teething, I will find great joy in the times that I get to be their mom. I am the safest place on this earth for them. I am the one they get to melt down infront of or act as crazy as possible and they know they are loved. Once again, I love being a mom more than anything. Thank you Jesus!
Thursday, August 4, 2011
What?!
A new phenomenon in my life......I am worth it! My friendship is valuble, My husband chose me for a reason, I have place, value and standing in this life and to my Jesus who loves me so much He went to the cross for my sin. How beautiful it is to trust this truth.
I havent always trusted this and I know there will be plenty of days to come that I dont trust this. But its true, weather I choose to beleive it or not, its so so true. I get to rest in the love of my place as a daughter of the king of the universe. And when I trust in His love for me, I can so easily accept others love for me an I can love others out of his love for me. What a beautiful gift he has given.
I havent always trusted this and I know there will be plenty of days to come that I dont trust this. But its true, weather I choose to beleive it or not, its so so true. I get to rest in the love of my place as a daughter of the king of the universe. And when I trust in His love for me, I can so easily accept others love for me an I can love others out of his love for me. What a beautiful gift he has given.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
29.....
Tomorrow we get to celebrate my amazing husband. We get to take a day and spend the whole day affirming who he is and celebrating his life. I feel like the luckiest woman in the entire world, that I get to be married to James. James is a man who continually serves. He has an endless supply of paitence and he is someone who is not quick to anger. He looks at life objectivly and honestly lives for the benefit of others. He deeply cares for those he loves and he longs for people to know the Jesus he knows. He is a man who is full of knowledge and incredibly gifted and you would never know. His life is one that is humbly lived. He never asks for much and he always gives all of him. I love my husband, I love days of the year that are all about him. I love to go all out and celebrate all that he is. I love that our kids get so excited and that they get to love their daddy. I feel so fortunate some days that this is my life. It feels too good to be true most of the time. Of course there are hard days but because my husband has led our family out of LOVE and he has made love more important than any object or thing. He has always worked so hard to provide so that I can stay home with our precious children. He works incredibly hard and doesnt miss a beat taking over loving our kids as soon as he gets home. He is a beautiful picture of Jesus to our family.
James, my life is better because of you. My life with you is full and sweet and rich and spontanious and fun. You bring a smile to my face that no one else in this world will ever be able to do. You give me reason to love and be loved. You teach me how to think through life and how to love with no expectations. You know who you are and you are not afraid of that. You are trusting what is true about you.
On top of all of this, I am so lucky that I get a man like YOU to be the father to my children. You are a dad through and through. You are not afraid to dress like a princess and have a tea party, you enjoy wrestling on the floor with your kids, you change diapers, watch silly moives, wake up at night, give baths, play and play, feed our littles and you LOVE them. I know they will have the best memories of their daddy when they grow up. And I know they have good memories of their daddy now. Sometimes I even get jealous of your relationship with our kids. They know they can trust you. They know you protect them and they know they are incredibly safe with YOU. That is because you have built these things through relationship. You never take advantage of your position over them, you always respect who they are and you always make them and their feelings way more important than being right.
I love you James Waddell. I love this life with you. I love learning from you, being loved by you, trusted by you and protected by you. My heart is softer because of you. You have loved me the best way anyone ever has. You know all of me and you love me more. I dont know how taht is possible, but you do. I look forward to many more birthdays to celebrate you. You are a good good man. I hope you feel as loved as you are as we celebrate all that you are. Happy Birthday sweet husband of mine.
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