maybe, maybe not

From the time I was a little girl I dreamed often of 5-6 little ones sitting at my feet as we played games and read books. I dreamed of big family vacations and I dreamed of this blissful life just full of joy. Then I actually had children! Dont get me wrong, I love my kids more than anything and my life is full of more joy than I could have ever asked for. But kids are alot of work. Physically they are a lot of work and more than that emotionally they are a lot of work. I remember when Catherine was 2 she was attached to a stuffed animal we all called "puppy doggy." One day when we were on our way home from somewhere and we forgot puppy doggy. After days of searching through cars and backtracking through all we did, we never found puppy doggy. I remember sitting with my girl on her bed and sobbing alongside her. I felt her pain so strongly. When Jed had to have eye surgery at 8 months old, I remember holding him so tight and wishing with all of me that I could go in that operating room instead. You see, I can do the physical, yes some days its hard and draining but its doable. Its the emotional that I was not prepared for. As I am pregnant with our third I think of all the ups and downs we will experience with this one. More than that my question is, "how many more children can I actually do this with?" Not in a bad way, but in a way that wants to realistically look at how many lives can I fully enter into this deep of a relationship with. I dont want to manage my children, I want to relationally enjoy and enter in with each child individually. Some people can do this incredibly with lots of kids, I am just wondering if I am one of them. I am not a high capacity person, I get stressed out easily and I am very mercy gifted. I can easily take the weight of hurt or pain onto my shoulders. Sure, I would love to have more kids and my dream fulfilled. But would I be doing that selfishly to fulfill my dream? I want my kids to remember a mom who loved them each individually and who emotionally entered into their lives. I want my kids to remember a mom who could give up cleaning house to make a fort and play barbies and cars, I want my kids to remember a mom who sat on their beds late into the night talking about life and their hearts, I want my kids to remember a mom who loved being a mom. I want to live this life for the benefit of others. So maybe after this child is born I will find a renewed sense of peace to have more children or maybe not. I pray that my heart is soft towards Christ's leading and tender towards His direction. I pray that I listen to His words spoken to me through His word and through others. Who knows???