I do believe that each birth has been a time of growing, healing and trust for me. I have gone round and round with my first two births and I have beat myself up for my fear and naivete. As I have grown and learned and overcome fear, I am able to process my each of my births and see just what I learned through each of them.
My daughter Catherine came in March of 2005 to this mom of just 22 years. I knew I wanted to be a mom and I had dreams of birth being calm and sweet and perfect. Well it was anything but perfect. At 12am I woke to my water breaking. About 2am we went to the hospital, I was dilated to a 3 and by 6am they had me on pitocin trying to "hurry me up." I had wanted a natural birth, after 6+ hours on pitocin and only reaching a 4 and the nurse referring to a screaming girl as the one who didn't get an epidural, I gave in. At this point I am receiving pitocin, epidural and penicillin for group B strep. I had not had anything to eat since the previous night and my body was fading. I was so tired. About 3 hours after the epidural my daughters heart rate began to drop. They monitored for about 15 minutes and then in a mad rush about 4 nurses and 2 docs came into my room and unplugged everything and rushed me to the OR. Nobody told me or my husband anything. I was in the OR now knowing I was getting a Csection and was totally numb. This feeling scared me to no end. I began vomiting and the anesthesiologist just started giggling saying that it was all totally normal. I was screaming for James and finally they let him in. He was in tears, I was in tears and my doctor comes in and says, "Why didn't anyone check her? She is dilated to a 10 and she could have delivered by now!" Thankfully when they transferred me to the operating table my daughters heart rate went back up and THANKFULLY I had a doctor who chose to not do the Csection. She knew my desires and she knew I was a young mom who wanted more children and she took care of me. So here I am with 6 different drugs running through my body, I have uncontrollable shakes and I am vomiting and can only lay on my left side. Not what I had thought birth would be like at all. Now because I was drugged up and totally numb and 10 centimeters I could not push because I could not feel a thing. I finally fell asleep for about 3 hours. I woke up in pain and feeling the need to push. My nurse told me the baby was high and that it would be a while so not to push. HA! Sure, OK, I will just not push, thanks for the insight nurse. My daughters heart rate began to drop again and so they then decided to pay attention to me. My doctor came in and she told me to push and as I pushed the heart rate went down further, I had a team of students watching me give birth, the neonatal team watching me give birth, my doctor telling me to just push, oxygen on my face and then they pull out the forceps. At this point I just didn't care anymore. My idea of what birth was supposed to be had gone out the window. I just wanted my baby. After 15 minutes and the oh so painful forceps my daughter entered this world. Wow! Within seconds of hearing her cry I knew, I would do every bit of my day all over again if it meant I got her, if it meant I got to hear that cry. She was here, I was in pain, but she was here! My girl, my sweet precious girl. An apgar score of 9 and perfectly healthy. She would only sleep on my chest for the first month of her life.
4 years and 4 months later I find myself in the same hospital and being induced yet again.....well it all went about the same way except my doc was there before they sent me to emergency Csection and he delivered me quick. Basically in fear he told me that if I do not push my son out I will get a Csection. So I push incredibly hard and out came my perfectly healthy 8lb 3oz son! He had a HUGE head! He still does. Thankfully once again my doctor was there to catch the baby before an unnecessary section.
After the trauma of my first two births and the unexpected turn of events in each of them I lived in fear of having more children. I was someone who has always wanted a bunch of kids and to be a mom. This was hard. I found birth something to be afraid of. Little did I know what was to come.
Just a short 9 months after my son was born I found myself pregnant with my third child. I was in shock after it took us so long to conceive our son. I knew from the beginning that I wanted something different, I could not do the same thing all over again. This is when I chose to go with a local midwifery team and I fell in love with them from my first appointment. I was there for over an hour asking questions and sharing my fears. I left feeling strong and capable. That summer I went to family camp with our church and this is where I met my doula and now one of my closest friends. She processed birth with me and she walked the journey of pregnancy and birth with me as she was also pregnant and due just a month after me. The time got closer and I was confident in what I could do, fearful, yet confident. At 35 weeks I was having a lot of swelling and was in a good bit of pain. At 36.5 weeks I was in the emergency room for 2 days getting ultrasounds on my swelling legs to make sure there was no clots. They just wanted me on bed rest. I went to the doctor/midwife at the end of my 37th week and they checked my progress and I was dilated to a 4 and 80%. They had said they would be shocked if I went past the weekend.
That afternoon I came home and prayed labor on my body, I was in pain from my swelling and with two kiddos already who needed me and a husband who was about to go crazy, I needed to have this baby. Thankfully about 6pm I started noticing contractions about every 8 minutes. I wasn't sure if it was real labor so I just went about looking through baby clothes and getting my kids to bed. When the kids went to bed I asked my husband to grab dinner since it was already 730 and I didn't want to cook. While he was out my contractions started to pick up in timing but not in pain. My doula called me and she said to take a bath to see if they continued and that she was on her way. When she got there I was in the bath and James was feeding me dinner. I was still having contractions and so stinkin excited that this was it!!!! We labored at the house for a while and about 1030 we left for the hospital. The nurse laughed at me as I was chatting with her and she said, "we will see if you are really in labor!" Sure enough I was at 7 centimeters. Still no pain just consistent tightening. I got in the tub and labored for a while, after a couple hours they checked and I was still a 7 with bulging bag of waters. My midwife broke my water with my consent and this is when the pain kicked in. I went on a walk with my husband and I began really feeling the pain. After a bit of walking I got back in the bath and bed, I don't really remember. I do remember them checking me at a 9 and withing 19 minutes of that I was hold my girl. I don't recall the "ring of fire" pain. It was painful but not as painful as I expected. My sweet girl was handed strait to me and it was a good 5 minutes before we even checked the gender. People were very respectful of us and let us connect. It was sweet, it was quick it was WAY less painful than imagined and it was healing for me and my husband. Her birth was beautiful. She was 7lbs and 2oz.
Well about 6 days after her first birthday we found out we were expecting once again! This time I was THRILLED. I couldn't wait to birth again. This pregnancy was hard but I think it was hard more because I had 3 little ones that I really never got much of a break to rest. Physically I was in way better shape than ever before. My kids got so used to my morning sickness that they would run to the toilet and pretend to vomit! I know, wonderful, right?! SO GROSS! It was all in all a pretty uneventful pregnancy. I really never had any swelling or pain other than the normal, "I'm so done being pregnant" stuff. At about 37 weeks I started having contractions very consistently and daily. I was exhausted because I never really got enough sleep. I walked and walked and yes I took caster oil and with the help of my doula, we brought on labor. At 37.5 weeks I was pretty sure this was it. I had my bloody show and I was consistently contracting. My kids played with their cousins for a bit and then the babysitter came over. When she got there, I didn't want to lose momentum so we headed to the hospital. My amazing midwife met me there. I was only dilated to a 4 but I was OK with that. We walked the halls for probably a good 2 hours. I then got in the tub and labored there for a while. No real pain, just tightening again. The pain started and I prefer the bed so I got in the bed. I labored there for a while and was in a good bit of pain. After a couple hours my midwife checked me and I was only at a 5. So devastating. It was hard to hear. So I got up and my body seemed to just take about a 15 minute break. I had friends who prayed for me, I at a sandwich and drank some cranberry juice and was able to recoup. At this point my doula and I were both ready for it to get started again. So we did a few things to get things going again. I asked to go on a walk with just my husband and we did. This is when I noticed things really picking up. I couldn't get more than 20 steps without a contraction hitting. After just hearing I was a 5 only 30 minutes prior I didn't want to get hopes up. I went to get in the tub and was sitting with my doula when I told her, I really think something is happening, this was a different pain than before. So I got out of the tub and basically told my midwife, if I am still a 5 then I am getting an epidural, I cant do this any longer. She checked me and said, "Well sweetheart can you wait just a little longer cause your an 8!" TRANSITION! I knew something more was happening. About 15 minutes later I was at a 10 and pushing. I do remember the ring of fire with her because her head was crowning in the middle of contractions. But after 3 good contractions, my husband helped catch her and she was in my arms. Again we didn't know the gender so we looked and were thrilled to have another girl. She was just a 5lb 14oz peanut. Her labor was hard and so challenging but so beautiful in so many ways.
Each of my births has been incredibly hard in their own ways. They have been frustrating, fearful and also powerful and healing. I do believe now as I reflect on my first two births that they were well intention-ed by the creator of the universe. If I did not experience those, I do not know if I would know the healing that came from my last two births. They needed to happen in order for me to experience what I did. I do not claim to be superwoman because I birthed naturally but I do know for me it was healing in so many ways. I also have compassion for those who have fear from hard birth experiences. I look at each of my births as a time of growing and learning. I am thankful for the joy each of my children bring me everyday and I would do each of their births over again a million times knowing I get my precious kids.
