Lost in motherhood...

If you know me, you know I LOVE being a mom. I love waking up early to my kids voices, I love making their meals fun for them to eat, I love taking them on walks, watching their movies, playing barbies, playing superman, crawling on the floor and so much more. I get great joy out of conversations with my kids and hearing their voices. I love to see them smile and laugh and I will do whatever it takes to get them to do it. My heart is all in it. My heart is a mom. So the questions I have been facing lately is....Who am I outside of being a mom and wife? What is my passion and woman and individual? What is my identity? I find so much of me gets caught up in being a mom and wife, and to be honest, I dont mind. I love it. But really, in 5 or so years when my kids are in school and James is at work and I am home alone.....who am I? Will I be sad and lonely because i have put all of my effort and time into motherhood that I find myself lost? I really dont know. I do know that I am passionate about life and I have great passion for Jr. High kids. I am in school now and hope to finish in the next 2 years. I want to finish in psychology and maybe get my masters in counseling so that I could be a jr. high school counselor some day. Even the idea behind this dream job is working around when my kids are in school and being available to them. But for right now I believe with all of my heart that my passion and my best effort should be going towards being a mom and wife. This is who I am, these are the precious lives that I am blessed with raising to grow into adults. This is my job and I take it very seriously. One day again i will get to focus on me and figure out what I want to do. And I trust that Jesus will walk through that time with me. But for now, I believe I am called to be a mom and wife. This is my heart. This is the identity through Christ that he so graciously gave me.
So I am going to take the days to soak up playing trains, watching elmo, reading books, snuggling for naps, hearing sweet voices, going to the park, and so much more. Even on the hardest of days, like ummmm yesterday when my 2 year old got out of the car in the grocery store parking lot and booked it in the store running the isles and when my 6 year old is sad cause of girls at school and my 8 month old is screaming her brains out from teething, I will find great joy in the times that I get to be their mom. I am the safest place on this earth for them. I am the one they get to melt down infront of or act as crazy as possible and they know they are loved. Once again, I love being a mom more than anything. Thank you Jesus!

What?!

A new phenomenon in my life......I am worth it! My friendship is valuble, My husband chose me for a reason, I have place, value and standing in this life and to my Jesus who loves me so much He went to the cross for my sin. How beautiful it is to trust this truth.
I havent always trusted this and I know there will be plenty of days to come that I dont trust this. But its true, weather I choose to beleive it or not, its so so true. I get to rest in the love of my place as a daughter of the king of the universe. And when I trust in His love for me, I can so easily accept others love for me an I can love others out of his love for me. What a beautiful gift he has given.

29.....

Tomorrow we get to celebrate my amazing husband. We get to take a day and spend the whole day affirming who he is and celebrating his life. I feel like the luckiest woman in the entire world, that I get to be married to James. James is a man who continually serves. He has an endless supply of paitence and he is someone who is not quick to anger. He looks at life objectivly and honestly lives for the benefit of others. He deeply cares for those he loves and he longs for people to know the Jesus he knows. He is a man who is full of knowledge and incredibly gifted and you would never know. His life is one that is humbly lived. He never asks for much and he always gives all of him. I love my husband, I love days of the year that are all about him. I love to go all out and celebrate all that he is. I love that our kids get so excited and that they get to love their daddy. I feel so fortunate some days that this is my life. It feels too good to be true most of the time. Of course there are hard days but because my husband has led our family out of LOVE and he has made love more important than any object or thing. He has always worked so hard to provide so that I can stay home with our precious children. He works incredibly hard and doesnt miss a beat taking over loving our kids as soon as he gets home. He is a beautiful picture of Jesus to our family.

James, my life is better because of you. My life with you is full and sweet and rich and spontanious and fun. You bring a smile to my face that no one else in this world will ever be able to do. You give me reason to love and be loved. You teach me how to think through life and how to love with no expectations. You know who you are and you are not afraid of that. You are trusting what is true about you.

On top of all of this, I am so lucky that I get a man like YOU to be the father to my children. You are a dad through and through. You are not afraid to dress like a princess and have a tea party, you enjoy wrestling on the floor with your kids, you change diapers, watch silly moives, wake up at night, give baths, play and play, feed our littles and you LOVE them. I know they will have the best memories of their daddy when they grow up. And I know they have good memories of their daddy now. Sometimes I even get jealous of your relationship with our kids. They know they can trust you. They know you protect them and they know they are incredibly safe with YOU. That is because you have built these things through relationship. You never take advantage of your position over them, you always respect who they are and you always make them and their feelings way more important than being right.

I love you James Waddell. I love this life with you. I love learning from you, being loved by you, trusted by you and protected by you. My heart is softer because of you. You have loved me the best way anyone ever has. You know all of me and you love me more. I dont know how taht is possible, but you do. I look forward to many more birthdays to celebrate you. You are a good good man. I hope you feel as loved as you are as we celebrate all that you are. Happy Birthday sweet husband of mine.

I get to be a mom!

So many women in this world are dieing to be a mom. So many women are longing to be pregnant and feel the sensation of a life growing inside. So many women are wanting a messy house to clean or loads and loads of laundry to do or sleepless nights. Because all of these things would mean they would be called the one thing most women long for in life and that is "Mom." So many women cannot and will not ever get to experience this. It seems as though we grow up dreaming of what to name our kids and how we will parent and what that life will be like. We spend most of our childhood dreaming of those day (at least I did). You never expect that this might not be a possiblity.

I feel as though I am one of the incredibly forturnate women who gets to be a mom. I get to spend my days doing laundry, picking up messes, cleaning faces, nursing, not sleeping, dressing little ones, changing diapers, making meals, stepping on toys, giving baths and so much more. I feel like I spend most days wondering what i did all day when I go to bed at night. But whats funny, is that I love it. Yes, there are so many days that are hard and long and exausting. I am tired most of the time. But I just dont feel like I can complain. I dreamed of this life as a child, yes, it is alot harder than I ever dreamed of but so worth it. I feel as though God has given me this desire of my heart when he didnt have to. He has blessed me in ways that many women long for.
I dont say all of this to be arrogant or better that others, but I say it to myself so that I can be continually grateful for what He has given me. I get to be a mom. I dont HAVE to be a mom. I chose that I wanted to be a mom, Jesus chose to bless me with children and by His incredible grace, I GET to be a mom. I have the most forturnate "job" or "life" of raising these precious ones. I have these lives that I get to nurture and share Jesus with. I get to snuggle in their beds and pray with them and love them. I get to clean their dirty faces and know that its because we shared a meal together. I get to put their toys away knowing that we played and played all day. I get to read them books knowing they want to be with me. I get to do laundry knowing my little ones depend on me. I get sleepless nights knowing that they need me and trust me fully to protect them. I am Jesus to my kids right now. I get to be a light of who he is and what a relationship with Him is like. If I want my kids to fall in love with Jesus, I need to be fully in love with Jesus and fully in love with my kids. They look to me and depend on my to teach them about this world, and I GET to be their mom. What an honor.
So when you are tired, exausted, longing for a break, or just frustrated, think of all the women who are dieing to be in your place right now. Think of all the women who are begging Jesus to do all the things that you are complaining about. I have to continually tell this to myself. Its hard and its a tough job being a full time mommy, but the rewards and benefits are so beautiful.

2 years already?!

This Saturday on the 23rd we will celebrate Jedidiah's 2 year birthday! I cannot believe 2 year has gone by since my sweet boy entered this world. Through lots of tears and prayer I found that I was pregnant with him. He was my long awaited child. I begged Jesus for my Jedidiah. My birth story was long and hard and exausting. I remember after 23 hours of labor the feeling of him entering in this world. I remember holding him for the first time and looking into his eyes. Little did I know how he would change my life forever. He was such a hard baby. He LOVED to eat and he cried alot. He had blocked tear ducts so his eyes would seal shut in his sleep. This meant lots of sleepless night for mom and dad. He is my child who smiled the earliest! He laughed at most anything and let just about anyone hold him. He loved life. He grew fast and big.

That little boy is now my two year old. Is amazing what happens in two years! He has grown into this vivacious, full of life, fun-loving, charasmatic, zealous, people-loving, gentle in spirit, caring, incredible boy! He makes me laugh so hard. I fall everytime for his mop of curly blonde hair and huge blue eyes. He knows just how to steal someones heart. He runs to hug people and has left us speechless with how much he loves. He is gentle and sensitive and really cares for people. He knows when someone is hurting and it breaks his heart. He LOVES the bible and he loves Jesus. He begs to read stories and he always want to pray together. He cares deeply for his sisters and longs to love them. Yes, he is not aware of his own strength at times and can bulldoze over someone or fall flat on his face. He cries hard and he laughs hard. He is all or nothing. He knows what he wants and he will go full force for it and fight who is in his way. He is our earliest riser and last to go to bed. He cuddles the most and he fights us the most. He loves anything that would resemble a bat or a ball. He loves to run and jump and skip and basically just go go go all the time.

Sweet Jed boy, you have made my life rich, full, fun and so out of the ordinary. Your hug softens my heart and your little voice can melt the hearts of many. I love to hear you growl and all your animal noises and when you work so hard at saying your abc's and when you laugh so hard you cant contain it. You bring me joy, laughter and you teach me how to rest in who I am. You teach me how to love without abandon. You fully describe the picture of the little children that Jesus tells us to be like. I pray that you use all of these rare, amazing qualites that make up your design and that you fall in love with Jesus. I pray that he finds his way into your tender heart and that you know Him as yours. I pray you trust how you were created and your beautiful charachter and you run with it. I pray you find your strengths and weaknesses protected and that you find absolute joy in who YOU are. I cannot believe I get to be YOUR mom. I am the luckiest mom in the world. Happy Birthday my sweet Jedidiah David!

Coming out of hiding.....

So here I am after 6 months of not posting. Wowy zowy its been a 6 months of craziness. I feel as though I am finally coming out of my "cave." 3 children was a lot for me to take in. I love my children so much and I ache to nurture each of their precious hearts and when number three came, I found it all too much to balance. I never want to be a mom who manages my kids. I want to know them, i want to have honest, safe, genuine relationships with each of them individually. They are created with unique design and purpose and I have a calling as a mom to nurture these. By the grace of God, I find myself learning more of His profound and deep love for me everyday. I will never "do" this right. I will always fail and I will always be saying "i'm sorry" to my children. But I find myself so deeply grateful for Jesus who so gently sweeps in and LOVES my children when I cannot find an ounce of grace for them. He created them and He loves them so much more than I do. That always mind boggles me, because i love my kids so much it actually hurts. Needless to say this has been a season of trusting, lots of grace, love, and complete dependance on my Jesus.

I found myself this morning while watching my 6 month old crawl around the living room start to cry. I started to think of how big she was and then I spiraled into thinking of the fact that my boy who I so despratly longed for is going to be 2 next week. AND THEN I began thinking of my Catherine, my first born who will be starting first grade in 4 weeks. Where did the time go? My heart aches for them to be small, I ache for their dependance, I ache to always wrap my arms around their little bodies and tell them all the things that are beautiful and oh so true about them. I HATE that they have to go out into this horrible world someday. I want to keep them locked in this bubble so that they never get hurt. Obviously that is not how it works. And so thankfully I have a Jesus who knows my heart. As I watch each of my children walk into small amounts of independance I actually find myself proud. Because you see, it is only in these times do they learn to depend on the One who loves them most. I LONG for my kids to know Jesus. I ache for them to know Jesus. I am so thankful that I am not in control. I am thankful that when I am not there he holds them, he wraps his arms tightly around them, he whispers words of truth into their little ears. He LOVES my children. He ADORES my children and He KNOWS my children.

I love being a mom more than anything I have ever loved in my life. I love being a wife and I love my family. But I never want to lose sight of the fact that they too need to grow into what they love and who they are.

Just a few thoughts from my day today. I hope to be on here alot more, seeing as I have LOTS of thoughts.

Oh The Joy!!!

So here I am after not posting for almost 2 months.....I have my 18 month old sitting next to me and I have my 10 day old daughter sleeping peacefully in her swing right infront of me. It has been a crazy 2 months. With holidays, bedrest, guests and traveling I have not had much time.

Our daughter, Jerica Joy came on January 8th at 2:39 am! She weighed 7lbs and 2oz and was 20 and 1/2 inches. She cames 3 weeks early and was perfectly healthy! Her birth story is a beautiful picture of Gods redemtion in my life from my previous births. Not to get too detailed, but both of my previous births were hospital, epidural, induced births. This works for many, many people and they have great experiences. But in my case, my kids did not respond well to being induced or epidurals...they both had the cord wrapped around their necks and through the process they were both in quite a bit of distress. I was rushed for an emergency section with my first and they decided not to do it after her heart rate went right back up again. I was so thankful, but after all the medication was put in my body I had to wait another 8 hours to have her. Thinking that could not happen twice.....I went into be induced with my son after being told he was so big. Welp after another 23 hour day....it happened again. No c-section but definatly a scary and long day. I do believe that through each of their births I learned so much about myself and also about the incredible gift of life. But I was determined not to let that happen again. In fact I was so determined I had let go of my dream of having more kids. Well 9 months after Jedidiah was born, we found out we were expecting once again. We were preventing, and very careful, but once again....Jesus knows just what we need.

So here I found myself once again journeying through pregnancy but so scared of what could happen this time. So in my fears I spent alot of time in prayer and studying what could be done to make this time different. I decided to go through a midwife and after my first appointment, I fell in love with her. She came into the appointment so calm and peaceful and gave me as long as I needed to share my fears, concerns and trust issues. She listened and she walked through pregnancy step by step with me. She reassured me of my ability to have a natural birth and also she helped me release my expectations and trust issues. She became my friend. In my 10th week of pregnancy, I met one of the most incredible women I know. She became my doula. She also walked through this journey with me and answered any questions and or fears I had. I found myself becoming strong, independant and actually looking forward to my birth process with this little life.
Jumping ahead...the pregnancy was pretty normal compared to my other two until I hit about 33 weeks or so. At week 33 I found my legs were feeling incredibly painful, so at my next appointment I brought it up with my midwife. She told me I had about 8-10lbs of water weight due to swelling in my legs. She had me on semi bed rest and gave me some natural options to help the swelling go down. Well it was horrible timing....3 days before Christmas, we had family in town and life was nuts! I tried to do all I could but the swelling only increased to where I had about 20 lbs of water weight adding up! My legs and feet were HUGE! About a week after this appointment I noticed a knot behind each of my knees, they were super painful and where the majority of my pain had started. So a week later at my 37 week appointment I showed my midwife and she reffered me to the doctor....he sent me to the hospital right away to get an ultrasound done on my legs to see if there was any clotting. They sent me home after the hospital on full bedrest. Well I got a call that after noon that the doctor wanted to see me once again. So the next morning I went and he sent me to the hospital to see a specialist. Once again they found no clotting and sent me home on bedrest. Two days later I had my regular check up. I met with the doctor. He cleared me to go back with my midwife, but he wanted me induced in the next week due to the severity of my swelling. Before scheduling induction, he wanted to check me to see where I was at. To my suprise, I was already 4 centimeters, 75% effaced and at -2 station....for those of you who dont know, I was not this far with my other two until i was well into being induced and laboring. The doctor seemed to think I wouldnt make it past the weekend but he scheduled my next appointment with my midwife for monday morning. I went home with hope that I could get labor going naturally before I had to be induced. So castor oil it was! I ate a whole pineapple and drank the midwifes cocktail with castor oil. I tried to nap but couldnt, I was anxious to see if it would actually work. I was willing contractions on my body. Well sure enough around 7 that night, my contractions started becoming very regular and very little pain. About 8 or so, my doula called to see how I was....I was having contractions every 3-5 minutes and about 45 seconds long. She decided to come over. Sooo we spent a couple of hours laboring at the house and helping labor progress. About 10:30pm we left for the hospital. They checked me and I was almost a 7.....So i was able to labor in the jacuzzi tub they had in my room for a while. About 1am my midwife checked me and I was still a 7. She told me that my water bag was bulging and that she would break it if I wanted...it was fully my choice. After talking with James, we decided to break my water. Once I got cleaned up, I went for a walk through the halls and thats when I noticed pain really beginning and not much of a break. So after a while I decided to go to the tub once again. This is when I noticed the contractions were lasting longer and finding them incredibly painful....I knew I was so close. I was so thankful for the support I had with my husband my doula and my midwife. I transitioned to the bed while going through my transition process...I remember begging for medicine when my midwife checked me and I was at a 9! Sooo close! She told me that by the time anyone came to give me medicine I would have a baby in my arms. Well sure enough 10 minutes later I was fully dialated and 9 minutes later our sweet precious Jerica Joy entered the world. As soon as her shoulders came out my midwife said, "reach down and grab your baby!" Greatest words I have ever heard. With help I pulled my girl on my cheast and was able to bond with her right away! My greatest fears were conquered! God is so good. Through having a shorter labor, to having the baby with no needles anywhere in my body, to the sweet experience of holding my baby on my cheast right away....I found Gods great redemtion through my deepest fears.

Through being given the name Joy, she has given me great joy as I found incredible joy even through the pain of her birth. She is such a sweet little girl. She cries only when she needs something, she loves to snuggle and she has adjusted to our life so well. I couldnt be more thankful for her life, her joy and her story as it became a huge changing experience in my life. Thank you Jesus for our Joy!!!