A Wondrous Piece of Art

A night last week James had a meeting till late and I was home with the four kids.....normally this is totally fine but it was after a really LOOOOONG weekend. I was thoroughly exhausted and so were the kids. Cranky moods all around. Sickness has not let up in our home, laundry has not let up in our home and the mess has multiplied. All this to say, it was hard to see James walk out the door. Everything in me shouted to make him stay, manipulate him in to thinking I just couldn't do it without him. Thankfully that did not kick in, although I am not a very discreet person, so he did not walk out the door to me cheering him on either.

James left and I begged Jesus for a great night and lots of mercy, oh I needed mercy! The night went great! We had a picnic dinner on the floor, baths and books for all, kids did not fight, brushing teeth was not a screaming event and bed time was seamless...I even trimmed all of their nails and painted the girls toes. I was pretty stinkin proud of myself.

All the little ones were down and Catherine, my sweet big girl was up reading in her bed. She is a lot like her dad, she thinks deeply, she over analyzes everything and she questions everything. Its pretty cool, but by 8pm I was not ready for questions. After getting the little ones down, I quickly went into her room and prayed for her, I was really ready for the glass of wine I had waiting for me! During my prayer I thanked Jesus that he had thought of Catherine since the beginning of time, He has always loved her and always known her. After praying and a quick kiss I hear, "Mommy, I have a question?" Oh no, I am not ready for a question, I don't want to stay in here all night long, where is James? He does this stuff way better than me, I am just a mom, I can change diapers, give baths, sing songs, do laundry and dishes, I can go on long walk with the kids and read books, I will even do their homework and cook with them, but theological questions are a challenge and a huge source of insecurity for me. I mean, I know what I believe  but to try and explain it is so hard for me. I am not the teacher, my husband is the teacher. Yes all of this went through my head in the three seconds it took me to turn around and say, "Whats that sweet girl?" and she responds, "Well, well you prayed you said that Jesus thought of me since the beginning and he knew me and loved me. So where was I before I was here, I mean I know I was in your tummy, but before that? Where was i? Was I in heaven? Was I somewhere else? How come I don't remember?" Yes all of these questions came out of her mouth....OVERLOAD! Welp, that glass of wine will just have to wait. Again I prayed for sweet mercy from Jesus to speak his words through me, teach his heart to my sweet girl. She stared at me with those blue eyes that are so kind, innocent and sweet, she longed to not just hear a quick answer but the absolute truth about who she is. So here I go....."Sweet girl, do you know how when you dream of writing a story or doing an art project?" She nods her head yes. "You are God's art. You are his story. He dreamed of you and thought of you in his mind. He thought of every freckle on your face, he thought of your smile and your blue eyes and he thought through every wavy hair he put on your head. He dreamed of the people you would influence and affect with your life, he dreamed of the brother and sisters he would give you, he thought through the mom and dad he wanted for you, he dreamed of you. And when just the right time came and he had all the right things in place and the right supplies, he created Catherine. You are his art, his beautiful work of art. And you know when you create a piece of art or write a story you make it just right, you love what you created because you created it, you have a reason for everything you do and every word you write?" She continues to nod. "Jesus did the same, AND better than that, he doesnt have to scribble out words or crooked lines, HE doesnt make mistakes because he is perfect. So you my girl have been in the mind of the King of the Universe before time began, you are a well thought out story and work of art that has been placed in this family, in this life by Jesus. Thats where you were!" Both of us had tears in our eyes and we hugged. She just hugged me and cried and smiled and laughed.

How cool to hear at 7 that you have identity, you have meaning and a reason for being here. You are not just a daughter or sister, YOU are a wondrous piece of art. Little did I know James had come home early from his meeting and I turned around to see him standing at the door crying. We walked out of her room together and he hugged me and then said, "Do you believe that about you?" What? No! I am not ready to go into that! No thank you. I can teach them to my children, but me? That's hard. What I realized is that those words that I was just priding myself on saying, they came from Jesus. And yes they were for my questioning daughter but Jesus was also  speaking them to me, his Daughter. I fight everyday with significance, with meaning, with wondering if God just had a bad day when he made me. I FIGHT hard. Needless to say in the past week, I am hearing those words spoken to me and learning alongside my daughter to believe them. God is good and faithful and he is healing me each day from my fight of rejection and insecurity. I am His Wondrous work of Art. You are His Wondrous work of Art. Once again, my children really do raise me.

Awkward

You know that super awkward phase of late Jr.High and early High School? That weird one where your body is growing but different parts grow at different times. Like when your legs are long and lanky yet you have a bit of a belly and poky elbows and much much more? Ahhh probably one of the hardest seasons of life. Everyone is different, everyone is comparing and everyone is trying to figure out who they are.We spend the majority of this season trying to please others than to find who we really are and doing the things we really like.  You think you're really cool but its just not working. Girls are noticing boys and boys are noticing girls. Deodorant and showers are becoming a must. Acne is crowding the face. It is often the season where boys are tripping and falling over their own feet and girls are trying to put on makeup for the first time or learning to shave their legs and weird patches of hair get left behind. Hormones are kicking in and voices are changing, boobs are growing and ITS JUST AWKWARD! I do not for one second miss that phase of life. I just don't. It was hard, scary and lonely.

Sometimes as a mom I feel as though I am back in this place. Its hard, awkward, scary and lonely AND I have a great community. I cant imagine doing this without my community. But I often feel as I navigate my way through motherhood I am often tripping and falling and I am often looking at others and comparing and wondering if I am ok. Am I doing this right? Is she better? Do I need to do something different? They discipline this way, should we? Their kids go to bed at this time, should we do that? They only feed their kids organic food, are we bad for giving them sugar? Did I spend enough time with them today? Does my girl know i love her? Did I explain that ok? Am I horribly mean because I yelled today? Will they remember how much I love them when they grow up? Every single day I question myself as a mom. I question how and why and what I am doing. I fight feeling like I am doing it all wrong some days  Its just awkward and hard when our kids melts down in a grocery store or push another kid down at the park. And oh yes plenty of people will tell you what to do in that situation like, "just leave your basket and leave the store or pick up your kid and take them home!" or "Do not let the child win, you are the mom."  Well what if I need those groceries? What if I don't have time to come back and this is the only time to shop? What if I don't want to leave the park? What if I want to work through it with my child instead of just leaving a hard situation? What do I do? Everyone of my kids are different and they need different things at different times. Sometimes I just bribe my kids! I DO! I am the mom and I just don't have the energy some days. Am I allowed to not have the energy? Is this giving up? Each time I go out with one of my children or I discipline them I question and I see what works, how it works and its different at different times. Its just awkward and oh so hard!

Living in a world where people are so free to give advice, tell you what to do, share their opinions and to compare. Often we end up parenting for the sake of others and we forget that parenting is about our kids. We are spending most of parenthood trying to please others and we end up forgetting who we are and that we may just do things differently. We want the affirmation of others. Which is totally normal but when it comes at a cost to our children then we are forgetting our calling and we fail our children. Our children need us to be fully present. They need us to look at them in the eyes and hear what they are saying. They need us to parent them for them and not from what a parenting book may say or what others may say. They need us to love them as individuals and not as just one of the five love languages. They are learning, they are growing, they need us. They need a safe place to land when life is awkward and weird and unforgiving and when they fail. They need ME! They don't need another mom, Jesus gave them to me for a reason, he trusted me with my children. Part of that trust comes with me giving everything back to Him everyday and trusting him with my kids, trusting him with my awkward and hard moments, trusting him when I fail and letting my kids into the process with me.

I am not perfect and I will probably most of my life tend to go back to the feelings of Jr. High and be awkward. But the thing is that Jr. High ends, bodies develop, people find their talents and skills, people find out who they are and what they are most comfortable wearing or doing, people go to college and become adults and learn and they grow. People mature. Everyday as a mom, I am learning, I am growing and I am maturing. It is most definitely coming with growing pains but as I mature and I begin more and more to trust Jesus and others with me I will become more comfortable in my parenting, in my love for my children. I will keep close the advice of the mentors that I trust so dearly and I will cling on to the sweet hope that Jesus is walking through this all with me. Awkward days and all.....