A cave, a tunnel, a closet.....whatever that quiet place is that feels like it has you trapped and worn out. Looking everywhere for a light and it feels daunting and hard and so very real and raw and vulnerable. Someday's this world of pregnancy, breastfeeding, toddlers, changing diapers, waking in the night, begging for naps, revolving life around naps, cleaning snotty noses, messes on the floors, drawings on the walls, endless amounts of food, baths, rocking littles, temper tantrums (both me and child), Sesame Street, the wheels on the bus, strollers, massive grocery carts, relying on coffee and oh so much more WILL. NEVER. EVER. END. I just find myself most days looking for light, that light that draws from under a door in the early hours of the morning.
This morning I sit with my oatmeal and coffee and my 2 and 3 year old are playing and my 2 month old sleeps soundly in the swing. For two months I have have fed and held an infant while doing laundry, cooking dinner, changing diapers and much more. I adore this precious girl more than anything but oh man does my patience get tested when all I want do to is pee and that means a screaming baby or waking a baby which means screaming baby. She is entering into not needing food every hour or needing to be held by only me every second. I feel like I am seeing the slightest ray of light. 5 babies in 10 years and 4 in the last five year. These have been the most beautiful and hardest life changing years of my life. These precious babies have transformed me, humbled me and taught me way beyond what I could have ever imagined. Gosh though, someday's I don't even remember who I am anymore. I am sleep deprived and in pajamas most days. I feel as thought I have lived in the twilight zone when I go out into the real world. "Oh that's the style now?" I had no clue that you could get an iPhone with companies other that AT&T. What the heck is a twitter account? I actually told James at an event run by college students, "Oh that's great they are letting these young kids help out! But the music is kind of loud!" Seriously? I said that? Who was I before kids and where has that woman gone. I have lived in a child bearing/feeding cave.
I was thinking back on 10 years ago as I was 5 months pregnant with my first child. I was full of anticipation and wonder and excitement. I was unaware of the years to come and had this view of playing barbies and tea parties and and baking with my girls. The life of parenthood would be this world of bliss. Really with my first, she was very easy. She slept, we went on long walks, we baked cakes and took naps together. It was just us for the first 4.5 years of her life. It really was a blissful entrance into parenthood. It was hard but only a glimpse of what was to come in all aspects.
5.5 years ago, I birthed my first son and HE. WAS. HARD!!!! He cried a lot, James and I fought a lot, Catherine got ignored a lot, I screamed a lot, I cried a lot. This was the hardest year of parenting and marriage for me. Well 17 months later came baby 3 and 20 months later came baby 4 and 2 years later came baby 5. Now that was a whirlwind. My body will never be the same, I'm not quite sure I know what sleep really is and I really never knew what hard or humbling meant till now. Its hard, all of the time. My now 9.5 year old needs me on a whole new level emotionally, my 5 year old only boy needs a rough and tough partner, my middle girls need a mom to play and dress up with them and the baby needs to be fed ALL. THE. TIME. Oh and I have a husband who I adore and long to spend hours drinking coffee with. We do forgo sleep in the morning to wake up an hour early to do just that, connect and have coffee. Its a good thing I love him so much, because I really need him to do this day in a day out.
We are 99.9% sure this is our last baby, we feel as though our family feels complete and so I find myself full of mixed emotions. Most days I am looking for the light and then there are days that I cry and grieve that I just might never hold a brand new 1 minute old baby in my arms ever again. That I will miss the way they look at me when they need me and know I am the only person that can give that to them. I will miss when they snuggle in my arms when they cant fall asleep, because they need me. I will miss reading books and quiet days at home. I will miss baking cakes together and the excitment on their faces when they show their daddy what they made. I will miss my 9 year old needing to have private conversations with mom and those sacred times she shows me her journal and shares her heart with me. I will miss building legos and wrestling with my boy. I will miss the way their bodies melt when they finally relax and trust me and fall into that sweet deep sleep. I will miss the early morning hugs for just mom. I will miss itty bitty laundry. I will miss finger painting and coloring. I will miss barbies and dress up clothes. I will miss really long walks with strollers and baby backpacks and the conversations had. I will miss the way my kids talked to people at grocery stores and sang Jesus Loves Me really loud. I will miss the early mornings or late nights with just one in my arms. I will miss being needed. I am needed, I am loved and I am wanted.
I realized today, I don't need to look for a light, I am not in a cave or a closet or tunnel. I am in the light. I am living every day in the light and I have been given this incredible journey. If I am always looking for the light then I am going to miss what is right in front of me. Smiles, hugs, cuddles, laughing, hand holding, needs to be met, trust to be built and life to enjoy. There are many challenges this life could throw at me, and I have had and will have many more. But when I look at my kids, what a heck of journey. Each day I laugh and learn and each day I am stretched beyond imagination to depend on my Jesus even more than the day before.
I live in the light because Jesus is the light and He gives me light everyday. Its the hardest journey I have ever faced. I don't want to always look at what is ahead because then what is right in front of me becomes dark and blurry. Today, right now. I have a baby who needs me and smiles at the sound of my voice. What more could I ask for?
Tuesday, November 18, 2014
Saturday, July 26, 2014
letting go....
I sit here on a very hot Phoenix evening with the two littlest in bed, the two oldest laughing as they color and watch a movie together and the baby in my tummy kicking up in my ribcage. Its been an interesting summer and really an interesting year. One that has released dreaming, hope and contentment in my heart.
You see, I love motherhood, I have never loved anything more. In my 20's when most of my friends were gaining careers and masters degrees, I gained the career of motherhood. I call it my bachelors of motherhood. Although, I have much to learn, and so much to grow, there has been nothing in life that has transformed me more than the humility, trust and life of faith that motherhood brings.
This last year after my fourth little one turned one, I began to really dream of having a career. I was realizing that my kids would not be home forever and I would not always be needed in this specific ongoing way. As I dreamed, I realized I had not yet really discovered myself or who I was, what I liked or what I wanted to do. I have been studying Psychology for the past 5 years on and off as babies have come. I found a job, I bought new clothes, heck, I even got a smart phone. Thats a big deal. 5 months into working, we found out a BIG surprise, baby number 5 was on the way! What?! I was just starting to dream, I had spent time grieving the baby stage, I had spoiled my "last" child rotten. I had prepared to begin a new stage of life. As sickness over took me, as motherhood and working overwhelmed me, as pregnancy began to take a toll on my body, I went into a cave. I was done with work, I was tired, I was sick, I was lonely, I was scared, I was angry, I was fearful, I was NOT in anyway ready to face the 40 weeks of pregnancy again. I could have 10 kids if I just did NOT have to be pregnant. Its so hard. My body doesnt handle it well, my family bears the brunt and its. just. plain. hard! My husband is a trooper and has loves me so well.
In the silence, in the isolation, in the quiet...Jesus was and is so faithful. My whole life I have spent dependent on the affirmation and want from other people. I have lived to please others in order to fulfill my need to be wanted. I truly believe Jesus brought me to this season for a good reason. To woo my heart, to call my heart, to beg for my heart for himself. He gently called me towards his loving kindness, his mercy, his faithfulness and HIS affirmation of me. He began to teach me through scripture and journaling that He is and has to be the one that affirms my heart. He has to be the one I fully trust before I can fully trust other people. When I rest in His love, in His arms, in His faithfulness, I can begin to rest in the love of others instead of depending on them to fulfill in me what only my God can fulfill in me. He met me in my darkest days, in my broken and shameful moments. He met me and filled in my what no earthly person can fill in me. His grace became sufficient for me, I began to look to Him to supply my needs, He became my joy, His calling of me and the desires of my heart began to align as I began to look to him. I sat living in tunnel vision for SO many years and He took my blinders off, He reminded me of and gave me worth. His word became real and true and for me specifically. I soak it up and it has become sweeter and richer than ever before. The word has become a place that I can jump into His love for me and let it was over the shame that fills me so often. Its a process of learning, I still can justify sitting in my depravity and shame. But my Jesus is becoming more real and alive than ever before and I don't want to let this feeling ever go away.
Here I am 6 weeks from expecting baby number 5. SO. STINKIN. EXCITED! God is trusting ME with another life. I get to be a mom again. What a calling. I get to rest in this calling, I get to find contentment in this season right now. This beautiful season where my kids are becoming friends, they are learning how to love and share and embrace this big family. He, my Jesus is calling me to contentment, to rest, to stop, to play, to trust, to engage, to embrace and to love. This season, right now is what I want to embrace with a full heart and trust HIS heart with my dreams, fears and inhibitions. He knows them all and He adores me. 2014 has so far been a life changing year and will continue to be.....
You see, I love motherhood, I have never loved anything more. In my 20's when most of my friends were gaining careers and masters degrees, I gained the career of motherhood. I call it my bachelors of motherhood. Although, I have much to learn, and so much to grow, there has been nothing in life that has transformed me more than the humility, trust and life of faith that motherhood brings.
This last year after my fourth little one turned one, I began to really dream of having a career. I was realizing that my kids would not be home forever and I would not always be needed in this specific ongoing way. As I dreamed, I realized I had not yet really discovered myself or who I was, what I liked or what I wanted to do. I have been studying Psychology for the past 5 years on and off as babies have come. I found a job, I bought new clothes, heck, I even got a smart phone. Thats a big deal. 5 months into working, we found out a BIG surprise, baby number 5 was on the way! What?! I was just starting to dream, I had spent time grieving the baby stage, I had spoiled my "last" child rotten. I had prepared to begin a new stage of life. As sickness over took me, as motherhood and working overwhelmed me, as pregnancy began to take a toll on my body, I went into a cave. I was done with work, I was tired, I was sick, I was lonely, I was scared, I was angry, I was fearful, I was NOT in anyway ready to face the 40 weeks of pregnancy again. I could have 10 kids if I just did NOT have to be pregnant. Its so hard. My body doesnt handle it well, my family bears the brunt and its. just. plain. hard! My husband is a trooper and has loves me so well.
In the silence, in the isolation, in the quiet...Jesus was and is so faithful. My whole life I have spent dependent on the affirmation and want from other people. I have lived to please others in order to fulfill my need to be wanted. I truly believe Jesus brought me to this season for a good reason. To woo my heart, to call my heart, to beg for my heart for himself. He gently called me towards his loving kindness, his mercy, his faithfulness and HIS affirmation of me. He began to teach me through scripture and journaling that He is and has to be the one that affirms my heart. He has to be the one I fully trust before I can fully trust other people. When I rest in His love, in His arms, in His faithfulness, I can begin to rest in the love of others instead of depending on them to fulfill in me what only my God can fulfill in me. He met me in my darkest days, in my broken and shameful moments. He met me and filled in my what no earthly person can fill in me. His grace became sufficient for me, I began to look to Him to supply my needs, He became my joy, His calling of me and the desires of my heart began to align as I began to look to him. I sat living in tunnel vision for SO many years and He took my blinders off, He reminded me of and gave me worth. His word became real and true and for me specifically. I soak it up and it has become sweeter and richer than ever before. The word has become a place that I can jump into His love for me and let it was over the shame that fills me so often. Its a process of learning, I still can justify sitting in my depravity and shame. But my Jesus is becoming more real and alive than ever before and I don't want to let this feeling ever go away.
Here I am 6 weeks from expecting baby number 5. SO. STINKIN. EXCITED! God is trusting ME with another life. I get to be a mom again. What a calling. I get to rest in this calling, I get to find contentment in this season right now. This beautiful season where my kids are becoming friends, they are learning how to love and share and embrace this big family. He, my Jesus is calling me to contentment, to rest, to stop, to play, to trust, to engage, to embrace and to love. This season, right now is what I want to embrace with a full heart and trust HIS heart with my dreams, fears and inhibitions. He knows them all and He adores me. 2014 has so far been a life changing year and will continue to be.....
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