rest

Its been a rough couple of days. As I have run back and forth to the toilet to throw up from the growing life inside of me, I have gotten more frustrated and exausted. I cry as I dry heave and cant stop, I cry that I cant eat a piece of fruit without feeling nausious. I have 17 more weeks of this and I cry because of that too. Then, I come home on a day like today and my son is sound asleep in his crib, my daughter is in school and my husband is at work. I feel lonely. WEIRD! I know, right? But then I feel the kicks and jabs of this little life in me and I realize that I get the joy of this short time of being the only one who gets to experience this life. Its like I have my secret friend and we have our jokes and our games we play with eachother. This child has already become my companion in an odd way. We do everything together and I love it. Yes I get uncomfortable and yes I hate being sick but we are doing it together. I thank Jesus for times of teaching me to rest and of His great love for me through my children. Even though this child is not here in my arm in the physical sense, I carry him/her every day. I thank Jesus that he reminds me of His continual faithfulness through the roughest days. He promises me that He will never leave me or forsake me. He promises me that He will not give me more than I can handle. So as I trust His faithfulness and as I trust His promises I can find complete and utter joy knowing my Jesus is always here.

maybe, maybe not

From the time I was a little girl I dreamed often of 5-6 little ones sitting at my feet as we played games and read books. I dreamed of big family vacations and I dreamed of this blissful life just full of joy. Then I actually had children! Dont get me wrong, I love my kids more than anything and my life is full of more joy than I could have ever asked for. But kids are alot of work. Physically they are a lot of work and more than that emotionally they are a lot of work. I remember when Catherine was 2 she was attached to a stuffed animal we all called "puppy doggy." One day when we were on our way home from somewhere and we forgot puppy doggy. After days of searching through cars and backtracking through all we did, we never found puppy doggy. I remember sitting with my girl on her bed and sobbing alongside her. I felt her pain so strongly. When Jed had to have eye surgery at 8 months old, I remember holding him so tight and wishing with all of me that I could go in that operating room instead. You see, I can do the physical, yes some days its hard and draining but its doable. Its the emotional that I was not prepared for. As I am pregnant with our third I think of all the ups and downs we will experience with this one. More than that my question is, "how many more children can I actually do this with?" Not in a bad way, but in a way that wants to realistically look at how many lives can I fully enter into this deep of a relationship with. I dont want to manage my children, I want to relationally enjoy and enter in with each child individually. Some people can do this incredibly with lots of kids, I am just wondering if I am one of them. I am not a high capacity person, I get stressed out easily and I am very mercy gifted. I can easily take the weight of hurt or pain onto my shoulders. Sure, I would love to have more kids and my dream fulfilled. But would I be doing that selfishly to fulfill my dream? I want my kids to remember a mom who loved them each individually and who emotionally entered into their lives. I want my kids to remember a mom who could give up cleaning house to make a fort and play barbies and cars, I want my kids to remember a mom who sat on their beds late into the night talking about life and their hearts, I want my kids to remember a mom who loved being a mom. I want to live this life for the benefit of others. So maybe after this child is born I will find a renewed sense of peace to have more children or maybe not. I pray that my heart is soft towards Christ's leading and tender towards His direction. I pray that I listen to His words spoken to me through His word and through others. Who knows???

From the moment of conception....

From the moment I read "pregnant" on the test stick for each of my children, I fell in love. I remember being pregnant with Catherine and being so naieve that anything could happen as far as miscarriage or possibly any birth defects. In my mind she was already perfect. Pregnancy was tough for a while and then from about week 20, I loved it! I remember wanting another one from the second I held her, being a mom was and is the most amazing gift.
Well when she turned 2 we decided to try for another baby.....after 2 years of longing, crying, praying and trusting we found out out baby 2 was on the way. I remember taking the test, leaving it on the bathroom counter and going into the kitchen and James, Myself and Catherine all held hands and sat on the kitchen floor and prayed. I timidly walked in the bathroom, guarding my heart against the pain of it being negative once again. I read the word pregnant and I screamed! James didnt know if it was good or bad. He ran into the bathroom and I was in tears and he grabbed the test! We couldnt believe it. After finding about about Jedidiah I was not as naieve, I had seen many friends go through so much heartache through the loss of their children or the tragedy of something terrible happening. I lived from appointment to appointment just praying to hear a heartbeat. Last July of 2009, Jesus blessed us with Jedidiah!
Welp, when Jed was 10 months old, we found out that I was 4 weeks along with baby number 3! What a suprise. I went from 2 years of trying to preventing and nursing 6 times a day and suprise baby! Although I was so suprised, I was so in love. I cant wait to be a mommy again. But once again, pregnancy has been a rollercoaster of emotions as I have watched others who were supposed to have babies at the same time lose their unborn little ones. I have thought, "Well, I am probably next." I have geared up for loss at every appointment. Last friday as I saw this miricle on the screen I could hear Jesus saying, "I love you jerilyn, I always have, will you trust me?"
Will you trust me? Thats the question for me. You see, I have always thought if Icould just get through pregnancy then I am good, then I can take care of the child and make sure they have everything they need and that nothing happens to them. Well if there is anything I have learned from being a mom, its that from the moment of conception and into their little lives, I HAVE NO CONTROL!!! I am continually depending on a Jesus who adores and loves my children way more than I ever will to protect and take care of my children. I am not naieve to think that anything bad could happen, but I am naieve that Jesus loves me so much to just bless me with beautiful healthy children. Why do I live in this world of thinking my God would ever live to make me miserable? Why do I live thinking that Im next, something bad has got to happen? Why cant I just live in this moment today, that he has blessed me, been faithful to me and cares so deeply for me. I am His child, my children are His children.
From the moment of conception, I have learned more than anything to depend on my Jesus, to release my "control" and to let Him love me. Everyday its a challenge, everyday its a gift.

Moments stood still

As I have processed this thought with many friends and my husband this week I decided I really needed to write about it so here it goes....
So this afternoon, I came home to a cleaned up house, and my husband and my boy! When I got home I could relax, lay on the couch and rest. James and I had a good conversation while the kids played beautifully with eachother. At one point I looked around and thought, I want this moment to stand still, I want Norman Rockwell to come and paint a picture and I want everyone to see that this is my life. I wanted anyone to come over because my home and my family looked just like a magazine depicts.
Most days when you show up to my house it is very likely that you will probably step on some sort of food or trip over a toy. It is likely that there will be dishes in the sink and laundry scattered about. You might even find a ring in the toilet and probably some sort of moldy food in my fridge. I work hard a keeping my home a place of peace and rest and I am realizing, peace and rest is in the eye of the beholder.
Probably about 2-3 times a week, my floors are clean, my dishes are done, (laundry is never done) toys are put in their places, beds are made and my house smells of a burning candle and fresh flowers. I love this, I love this calm quiet place, it helps me rest, yet stress out that it might get messed up! I love cuddling up on my couch with the windows open, the fresh smell and clean house, either reading a book or talking with my husband or playing with my kids. Reality is, that this is not my everyday reality, and thats ok. Because I also love cooking with my daughter even though it makes a mess of the kitchen, I love playing train sets and cars and blocks with my son even though it covers the entire living room floor. I would rather sit on the couch and talk to my husband than spend an hour cleaning up at night.
So heres my battle that I have struggled with, what will other people think of me? Will they ever come back again? Will they think I just dont care? Reality is that they really might think all of these things and reality is that is their issue and not mine. If someone is going to allow something as simple as a messy house to control a relationship, then its not worth it. But I do it, I scramble everytime to clean my house before someone shows up, before they see that I really am a mess at times. I scramble to make a show of who I really want to be, but I am not most of the time. Through this my family pays because I stress before people come and they get the worst of me so I can give the best of me to others. Well, as I have processed it, nothing makes me feel more loved than someone inviting me into their imperfect life. I love when I get invited into a messy house, I love it because they are letting me into who they really are in a day to day life and that they trust me. So I am wanting to let go of my fears, let people into who I really am and love me. My home is a small reflection of me, but my home is not me. When all I really want is to be in relationship, to love and be loved, to know and be known.

Confused

Hi all this is my first post on this blog....I have tried this in the past and have not had much success so I will try try again. Hopefully I can update often! I am a mom to two amazing kids and I am due in January with baby #3. Today we had my 20 week ultrasound with baby 3 and we have chosen for the third time to not find out the sex. I was so pleased to find out that baby is healthy and growing and right on target. I am more than thrilled. As I have floated on clouds thinking of this baby today, I have marveled at the gift of being a mom. I have fallen even more in love with my children and have soaked in the blessing that Jesus has given me.
So after saying all of that, I went to pick up my daughter from school, we went to visit a friend of hers for her birthday and then we came home. When we got home all hell broke loose! My kids went nuts!!! My son was throwing goldfish and stoming on them, my daughter was cutting paper as she walked around the house showering it with confetti and screaming that she wanted dad instead of mom. Both kids got into a package of oreos and juice boxes so lo and behold.....crumbs and stick spots everywhere!!! I just sat on the couch and looked at my mess of a house and just laughed. Because if I didnt laugh, i would probably of started crying. So as we all counted down the minutes for daddy to get home, we are all in tears at this point! My poor husband walks into the door, tripping over a toy and screaming kids and an emotionally frazzled, pregnant wife. I really did feel sorry for him. Now after he has worked all day, he is graciously putting my kids to bed for much needed sleep, I am so thankful for him.
As I reflect on my day, I realize this is what I love about being a mom. Not always the craziness, but the joy of never knowing what to expect. One minute their laughing and the next they are crying. One minute they are as independant as possible and the next they are cuddled right next to you and grabbing ahold of your neck so tight. I love the fact that I have these little lives that Jesus so intricately designed to be my children on this earth. I adore each of their personalities and I am honestly in love with being their mom.
So we shall see what tomorrow holds, but I choose today to still float in my thankfulness and joy, that I get to be a mom!