Awkward

You know that super awkward phase of late Jr.High and early High School? That weird one where your body is growing but different parts grow at different times. Like when your legs are long and lanky yet you have a bit of a belly and poky elbows and much much more? Ahhh probably one of the hardest seasons of life. Everyone is different, everyone is comparing and everyone is trying to figure out who they are.We spend the majority of this season trying to please others than to find who we really are and doing the things we really like.  You think you're really cool but its just not working. Girls are noticing boys and boys are noticing girls. Deodorant and showers are becoming a must. Acne is crowding the face. It is often the season where boys are tripping and falling over their own feet and girls are trying to put on makeup for the first time or learning to shave their legs and weird patches of hair get left behind. Hormones are kicking in and voices are changing, boobs are growing and ITS JUST AWKWARD! I do not for one second miss that phase of life. I just don't. It was hard, scary and lonely.

Sometimes as a mom I feel as though I am back in this place. Its hard, awkward, scary and lonely AND I have a great community. I cant imagine doing this without my community. But I often feel as I navigate my way through motherhood I am often tripping and falling and I am often looking at others and comparing and wondering if I am ok. Am I doing this right? Is she better? Do I need to do something different? They discipline this way, should we? Their kids go to bed at this time, should we do that? They only feed their kids organic food, are we bad for giving them sugar? Did I spend enough time with them today? Does my girl know i love her? Did I explain that ok? Am I horribly mean because I yelled today? Will they remember how much I love them when they grow up? Every single day I question myself as a mom. I question how and why and what I am doing. I fight feeling like I am doing it all wrong some days  Its just awkward and hard when our kids melts down in a grocery store or push another kid down at the park. And oh yes plenty of people will tell you what to do in that situation like, "just leave your basket and leave the store or pick up your kid and take them home!" or "Do not let the child win, you are the mom."  Well what if I need those groceries? What if I don't have time to come back and this is the only time to shop? What if I don't want to leave the park? What if I want to work through it with my child instead of just leaving a hard situation? What do I do? Everyone of my kids are different and they need different things at different times. Sometimes I just bribe my kids! I DO! I am the mom and I just don't have the energy some days. Am I allowed to not have the energy? Is this giving up? Each time I go out with one of my children or I discipline them I question and I see what works, how it works and its different at different times. Its just awkward and oh so hard!

Living in a world where people are so free to give advice, tell you what to do, share their opinions and to compare. Often we end up parenting for the sake of others and we forget that parenting is about our kids. We are spending most of parenthood trying to please others and we end up forgetting who we are and that we may just do things differently. We want the affirmation of others. Which is totally normal but when it comes at a cost to our children then we are forgetting our calling and we fail our children. Our children need us to be fully present. They need us to look at them in the eyes and hear what they are saying. They need us to parent them for them and not from what a parenting book may say or what others may say. They need us to love them as individuals and not as just one of the five love languages. They are learning, they are growing, they need us. They need a safe place to land when life is awkward and weird and unforgiving and when they fail. They need ME! They don't need another mom, Jesus gave them to me for a reason, he trusted me with my children. Part of that trust comes with me giving everything back to Him everyday and trusting him with my kids, trusting him with my awkward and hard moments, trusting him when I fail and letting my kids into the process with me.

I am not perfect and I will probably most of my life tend to go back to the feelings of Jr. High and be awkward. But the thing is that Jr. High ends, bodies develop, people find their talents and skills, people find out who they are and what they are most comfortable wearing or doing, people go to college and become adults and learn and they grow. People mature. Everyday as a mom, I am learning, I am growing and I am maturing. It is most definitely coming with growing pains but as I mature and I begin more and more to trust Jesus and others with me I will become more comfortable in my parenting, in my love for my children. I will keep close the advice of the mentors that I trust so dearly and I will cling on to the sweet hope that Jesus is walking through this all with me. Awkward days and all.....