lost

Its my Friday morning....this means I have two children in school, one with a good friend and the littlest is taking her morning nap. I have my coffee and my smoothie, I have my bible and my journal, and today I have all the windows open with and looking out one side I see the sun shining and out the other window I see huge rain clouds rolling in. I look forward to this day. I rarely take it for myself, I am usually found doing many other things with my Friday mornings. Today I felt the Lord calling me to come and sit, be still, hear Him. So as uncomfortable as it is to stop and rest when there are a million things to do, I have found myself cuddled up in my chair in the quiet with Jesus. WOW! Its been way too long, this is a good place to be. I have a good God.
This week has been full of trials. My fears, shame and insecurities have been triggered way to many times. Satan has found that foothold that draws me down and I have fought a battle spiritually this week. I have fought the truth of my new nature that comes with being a child of the Living God. I am His creation. He makes all things new. Reality is that I knew I was struggling this week and yet I justified my actions with my fear, shame and doubt. I ran in fear, I struggled for breath and I fell numerous times. I felt as though I was running through a dark forest and I couldn't see anything. There was help all around but I couldn't find the words to ask. My husband who loves me deeply fought to rescue me, he then also ran into the dark forest and then the two of us were both running but could not see anything. So we were both tripping, both falling, both trying to catch our breath and neither asking for help. Well it seems as though yesterday as we started another day in this dark forest, it started to rain and pour and it became muddy and after days without food or water our limitations were hit. No more running could be done, the falling and the lack of food had done too much damage to our souls and our bodies. So with worn and messy words I finally found my heart and my soul crying out in a whisper, "help, somebody help me, I'm worn, the enemy has me trapped and I cant find my way out." But here's where I went, I was looking for James to help me, I wanted him to rescue me. He so desperately wanted to rescue me but wait, he was lost in the dark, rainy forest too. Oh but I longed for him to save me, to show me the way out. So you have two people both asking for help, both lost and fearful. As I stopped in my fear, my anxiousness, my victim mentality, my insecurity and in my pride and realized James could not save me. The only person that could save me was the one who created light. My Jesus, my rescuer, my healer, my safe place, my giver of life, my creator, HE already saved me. In fact, he created this very forest, He already knows the way out. As I began to realize my desperate need for Him slowly the rain let up, light came through the trees, and as I wiped the mud from my eyes and picked up my beat down body I could see the way out that was already prepared for me.
You see the way out didn't come when I asked for help or when I realized where I went wrong. The way out was already there. He already rescued me, he already saved me, he already knew my deep struggle with the darkness. My Jesus, he created the light. He dawned a new day and gave me light to see how desperately I needed Him. As the light shown through I look across the forest and see James and we are both picking ourselves up. We helped each other up, and we walked hand in hand out of the forest together with our GOD leading us.
Today, right now, I still fight nightmares of that dark and scary forest, but I also rest in the redemption of our God who already paved this way for us, He gave us a way out of the forest. He, my Jesus knows also that I will go back there, I will in my human nature go back to the forest and try to find my own way again and He still loves me, He already paid for me and He will walk the journey with me again. His beautiful, sacrificing death on the cross already paid it all. He has already defeated the enemy, he already made the way into his arms, he already knows my sin for years to come and He gives me light, he shows me the way, he walks through the forest with me, he loves me, He calls me his own and He paid the ultimate price.