From the moment I read "pregnant" on the test stick for each of my children, I fell in love. I remember being pregnant with Catherine and being so naieve that anything could happen as far as miscarriage or possibly any birth defects. In my mind she was already perfect. Pregnancy was tough for a while and then from about week 20, I loved it! I remember wanting another one from the second I held her, being a mom was and is the most amazing gift.
Well when she turned 2 we decided to try for another baby.....after 2 years of longing, crying, praying and trusting we found out out baby 2 was on the way. I remember taking the test, leaving it on the bathroom counter and going into the kitchen and James, Myself and Catherine all held hands and sat on the kitchen floor and prayed. I timidly walked in the bathroom, guarding my heart against the pain of it being negative once again. I read the word pregnant and I screamed! James didnt know if it was good or bad. He ran into the bathroom and I was in tears and he grabbed the test! We couldnt believe it. After finding about about Jedidiah I was not as naieve, I had seen many friends go through so much heartache through the loss of their children or the tragedy of something terrible happening. I lived from appointment to appointment just praying to hear a heartbeat. Last July of 2009, Jesus blessed us with Jedidiah!
Welp, when Jed was 10 months old, we found out that I was 4 weeks along with baby number 3! What a suprise. I went from 2 years of trying to preventing and nursing 6 times a day and suprise baby! Although I was so suprised, I was so in love. I cant wait to be a mommy again. But once again, pregnancy has been a rollercoaster of emotions as I have watched others who were supposed to have babies at the same time lose their unborn little ones. I have thought, "Well, I am probably next." I have geared up for loss at every appointment. Last friday as I saw this miricle on the screen I could hear Jesus saying, "I love you jerilyn, I always have, will you trust me?"
Will you trust me? Thats the question for me. You see, I have always thought if Icould just get through pregnancy then I am good, then I can take care of the child and make sure they have everything they need and that nothing happens to them. Well if there is anything I have learned from being a mom, its that from the moment of conception and into their little lives, I HAVE NO CONTROL!!! I am continually depending on a Jesus who adores and loves my children way more than I ever will to protect and take care of my children. I am not naieve to think that anything bad could happen, but I am naieve that Jesus loves me so much to just bless me with beautiful healthy children. Why do I live in this world of thinking my God would ever live to make me miserable? Why do I live thinking that Im next, something bad has got to happen? Why cant I just live in this moment today, that he has blessed me, been faithful to me and cares so deeply for me. I am His child, my children are His children.
From the moment of conception, I have learned more than anything to depend on my Jesus, to release my "control" and to let Him love me. Everyday its a challenge, everyday its a gift.
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