Coming out of hiding.....

So here I am after 6 months of not posting. Wowy zowy its been a 6 months of craziness. I feel as though I am finally coming out of my "cave." 3 children was a lot for me to take in. I love my children so much and I ache to nurture each of their precious hearts and when number three came, I found it all too much to balance. I never want to be a mom who manages my kids. I want to know them, i want to have honest, safe, genuine relationships with each of them individually. They are created with unique design and purpose and I have a calling as a mom to nurture these. By the grace of God, I find myself learning more of His profound and deep love for me everyday. I will never "do" this right. I will always fail and I will always be saying "i'm sorry" to my children. But I find myself so deeply grateful for Jesus who so gently sweeps in and LOVES my children when I cannot find an ounce of grace for them. He created them and He loves them so much more than I do. That always mind boggles me, because i love my kids so much it actually hurts. Needless to say this has been a season of trusting, lots of grace, love, and complete dependance on my Jesus.

I found myself this morning while watching my 6 month old crawl around the living room start to cry. I started to think of how big she was and then I spiraled into thinking of the fact that my boy who I so despratly longed for is going to be 2 next week. AND THEN I began thinking of my Catherine, my first born who will be starting first grade in 4 weeks. Where did the time go? My heart aches for them to be small, I ache for their dependance, I ache to always wrap my arms around their little bodies and tell them all the things that are beautiful and oh so true about them. I HATE that they have to go out into this horrible world someday. I want to keep them locked in this bubble so that they never get hurt. Obviously that is not how it works. And so thankfully I have a Jesus who knows my heart. As I watch each of my children walk into small amounts of independance I actually find myself proud. Because you see, it is only in these times do they learn to depend on the One who loves them most. I LONG for my kids to know Jesus. I ache for them to know Jesus. I am so thankful that I am not in control. I am thankful that when I am not there he holds them, he wraps his arms tightly around them, he whispers words of truth into their little ears. He LOVES my children. He ADORES my children and He KNOWS my children.

I love being a mom more than anything I have ever loved in my life. I love being a wife and I love my family. But I never want to lose sight of the fact that they too need to grow into what they love and who they are.

Just a few thoughts from my day today. I hope to be on here alot more, seeing as I have LOTS of thoughts.