A cave, a tunnel, a closet.....whatever that quiet place is that feels like it has you trapped and worn out. Looking everywhere for a light and it feels daunting and hard and so very real and raw and vulnerable. Someday's this world of pregnancy, breastfeeding, toddlers, changing diapers, waking in the night, begging for naps, revolving life around naps, cleaning snotty noses, messes on the floors, drawings on the walls, endless amounts of food, baths, rocking littles, temper tantrums (both me and child), Sesame Street, the wheels on the bus, strollers, massive grocery carts, relying on coffee and oh so much more WILL. NEVER. EVER. END. I just find myself most days looking for light, that light that draws from under a door in the early hours of the morning.
This morning I sit with my oatmeal and coffee and my 2 and 3 year old are playing and my 2 month old sleeps soundly in the swing. For two months I have have fed and held an infant while doing laundry, cooking dinner, changing diapers and much more. I adore this precious girl more than anything but oh man does my patience get tested when all I want do to is pee and that means a screaming baby or waking a baby which means screaming baby. She is entering into not needing food every hour or needing to be held by only me every second. I feel like I am seeing the slightest ray of light. 5 babies in 10 years and 4 in the last five year. These have been the most beautiful and hardest life changing years of my life. These precious babies have transformed me, humbled me and taught me way beyond what I could have ever imagined. Gosh though, someday's I don't even remember who I am anymore. I am sleep deprived and in pajamas most days. I feel as thought I have lived in the twilight zone when I go out into the real world. "Oh that's the style now?" I had no clue that you could get an iPhone with companies other that AT&T. What the heck is a twitter account? I actually told James at an event run by college students, "Oh that's great they are letting these young kids help out! But the music is kind of loud!" Seriously? I said that? Who was I before kids and where has that woman gone. I have lived in a child bearing/feeding cave.
I was thinking back on 10 years ago as I was 5 months pregnant with my first child. I was full of anticipation and wonder and excitement. I was unaware of the years to come and had this view of playing barbies and tea parties and and baking with my girls. The life of parenthood would be this world of bliss. Really with my first, she was very easy. She slept, we went on long walks, we baked cakes and took naps together. It was just us for the first 4.5 years of her life. It really was a blissful entrance into parenthood. It was hard but only a glimpse of what was to come in all aspects.
5.5 years ago, I birthed my first son and HE. WAS. HARD!!!! He cried a lot, James and I fought a lot, Catherine got ignored a lot, I screamed a lot, I cried a lot. This was the hardest year of parenting and marriage for me. Well 17 months later came baby 3 and 20 months later came baby 4 and 2 years later came baby 5. Now that was a whirlwind. My body will never be the same, I'm not quite sure I know what sleep really is and I really never knew what hard or humbling meant till now. Its hard, all of the time. My now 9.5 year old needs me on a whole new level emotionally, my 5 year old only boy needs a rough and tough partner, my middle girls need a mom to play and dress up with them and the baby needs to be fed ALL. THE. TIME. Oh and I have a husband who I adore and long to spend hours drinking coffee with. We do forgo sleep in the morning to wake up an hour early to do just that, connect and have coffee. Its a good thing I love him so much, because I really need him to do this day in a day out.
We are 99.9% sure this is our last baby, we feel as though our family feels complete and so I find myself full of mixed emotions. Most days I am looking for the light and then there are days that I cry and grieve that I just might never hold a brand new 1 minute old baby in my arms ever again. That I will miss the way they look at me when they need me and know I am the only person that can give that to them. I will miss when they snuggle in my arms when they cant fall asleep, because they need me. I will miss reading books and quiet days at home. I will miss baking cakes together and the excitment on their faces when they show their daddy what they made. I will miss my 9 year old needing to have private conversations with mom and those sacred times she shows me her journal and shares her heart with me. I will miss building legos and wrestling with my boy. I will miss the way their bodies melt when they finally relax and trust me and fall into that sweet deep sleep. I will miss the early morning hugs for just mom. I will miss itty bitty laundry. I will miss finger painting and coloring. I will miss barbies and dress up clothes. I will miss really long walks with strollers and baby backpacks and the conversations had. I will miss the way my kids talked to people at grocery stores and sang Jesus Loves Me really loud. I will miss the early mornings or late nights with just one in my arms. I will miss being needed. I am needed, I am loved and I am wanted.
I realized today, I don't need to look for a light, I am not in a cave or a closet or tunnel. I am in the light. I am living every day in the light and I have been given this incredible journey. If I am always looking for the light then I am going to miss what is right in front of me. Smiles, hugs, cuddles, laughing, hand holding, needs to be met, trust to be built and life to enjoy. There are many challenges this life could throw at me, and I have had and will have many more. But when I look at my kids, what a heck of journey. Each day I laugh and learn and each day I am stretched beyond imagination to depend on my Jesus even more than the day before.
I live in the light because Jesus is the light and He gives me light everyday. Its the hardest journey I have ever faced. I don't want to always look at what is ahead because then what is right in front of me becomes dark and blurry. Today, right now. I have a baby who needs me and smiles at the sound of my voice. What more could I ask for?
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