letting go....

I sit here on a very hot Phoenix evening with the two littlest in bed, the two oldest laughing as they color and watch a movie together and the baby in my tummy kicking up in my ribcage. Its been an interesting summer and really an interesting year. One that has released dreaming, hope and contentment in my heart.
You see, I love motherhood, I have never loved anything more. In my 20's when most of my friends were gaining careers and masters degrees, I gained the career of motherhood. I call it my bachelors of motherhood. Although, I have much to learn, and so much to grow, there has been nothing in life that has transformed me more than the humility, trust and life of faith that motherhood brings.
This last year after my fourth little one turned one, I began to really dream of having a career. I was realizing that my kids would not be home forever and I would not always be needed in this specific ongoing way. As I dreamed, I realized I had not yet really discovered myself or who I was, what I liked or what I wanted to do. I have been studying Psychology for the past 5 years on and off as babies have come. I found a job, I bought new clothes, heck, I even got a smart phone. Thats a big deal. 5 months into working, we found out a BIG surprise, baby number 5 was on the way! What?! I was just starting to dream, I had spent time grieving the baby stage, I had spoiled my "last" child rotten. I had prepared to begin a new stage of life. As sickness over took me, as motherhood and working overwhelmed me, as pregnancy began to take a toll on my body, I went into a cave. I was done with work, I was tired, I was sick, I was lonely, I was scared, I was angry, I was fearful, I was NOT in anyway ready to face the 40 weeks of pregnancy again. I could have 10 kids if I just did NOT have to be pregnant. Its so hard. My body doesnt handle it well, my family bears the brunt and its. just. plain. hard! My husband is a trooper and has loves me so well.
In the silence, in the isolation, in the quiet...Jesus was and is so faithful. My whole life I have spent dependent on the affirmation and want from other people. I have lived to please others in order to fulfill my need to be wanted. I truly believe Jesus brought me to this season for a good reason. To woo my heart, to call my heart, to beg for my heart for himself. He gently called me towards his loving kindness, his mercy, his faithfulness and HIS affirmation of me. He began to teach me through scripture and journaling that He is and has to be the one that affirms my heart. He has to be the one I fully trust before I can fully trust other people. When I rest in His love, in His arms, in His faithfulness, I can begin to rest in the love of others instead of depending on them to fulfill in me what only my God can fulfill in me. He met me in my darkest days, in my broken and shameful moments. He met me and filled in my what no earthly person can fill in me. His grace became sufficient for me, I began to look to Him to supply my needs, He became my joy, His calling of me and the desires of my heart began to align as I began to look to him. I sat living in tunnel vision for SO many years and He took my blinders off, He reminded me of and gave me worth. His word became real and true and for me specifically. I soak it up and it has become sweeter and richer than ever before. The word has become a place that I can jump into His love for me and let it was over the shame that fills me so often. Its a process of learning, I still can justify sitting in my depravity and shame. But my Jesus is becoming more real and alive than ever before and I don't want to let this feeling ever go away.
Here I am 6 weeks from expecting baby number 5. SO. STINKIN. EXCITED! God is trusting ME with another life. I get to be a mom again. What a calling. I get to rest in this calling, I get to find contentment in this season right now. This beautiful season where my kids are becoming friends, they are learning how to love and share and embrace this big family. He, my Jesus is calling me to contentment, to rest, to stop, to play, to trust, to engage, to embrace and to love. This season, right now is what I want to embrace with a full heart and trust HIS heart with my dreams, fears and inhibitions. He knows them all and He adores me. 2014 has so far been a life changing year and will continue to be.....